After eight long, glamorous seasons, it's finally time to say goodbye to the girls and boys of The U.E.S. and their magnificent hairdos. Or "hairdidn'ts," in the case of Vanessa Abrams (Lindsey Broad). It's been a strange road, kids: one full of twists, turns, friendly-fire rape, sexy dads, mustachioed moms, rock music lifestyles, stolen cashmere short-pants, Black & White Balls, unending discussion of Audrey Hepburn, and the occasional parrot and/or barracuda, but one thing's for sure: We Like It Like That. Now, join your intrepid guide to the Upper East Side as we revisit classic scenes that never actually happened.
Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) finally achieves her ideal weight, after stepbrother Aaron Rose (Taylor Handley, God willing) is unable to locate her in a haystack (played by multiple Mischa Bartons). However, this triumph is somewhat ameliorated by the news from medical authorities that Audrey Hepburn's bizarre sticklike figure, much like the haystack's, was due to undiagnosed Androgen Insensitivity, rather than barfing up everything she ever ate, like Blair thought. Having been rejected from each and every college she's attempted to attend despite sleeping with recruiters, lunch ladies, and youth ministers in a web of sexual escapades so bewildering that she is required to learn Excel, Blair immediately resolves to head to Svalbard, Norway, in search of feminized testicles of her own.
Serena van der Woodsen (Blake Lively) does something super fucking fascinating like lose her car keys at Starbucks, only to immediately remember where she left them. Then when she gets there, they give her a pony and make her Princess Of The Entire Universe. Then every college you've ever heard of starts holding gladiator battles in order to determine where she will matriculate. Eventually the escalating bloodshed is so intense that there end up being only four tenured professors left in the world. One of them runs to Monday Peer Group for protection, another joins the Court of Wintour, a third joins Blair on her trans-Scandinavian pilgrimage, and the final one is declared the victor.