The Clothes: ten times gayer. The Chuck: ten times hotter. Eric: coming along fine. Nate: a hall of mirrors as usual. Watching this show has always felt at least a little bit like being on this show -- which is the point of this show -- but honestly, between all the East Egg/West Egg nods, ♥~*~♥TINSLEY MORTIMER♥~*~♥ and McInerney, you're basically sucking down a cocktail of everything that so far matters to me in this life, then fucking a stranger like some kind of golden panty-tossing rock god. Still the best show ever made, with a little awesome on top. These panties are for you.
Spotted: Serena van der Woodsen acting as Nate's beard, again, this time to cover for his Hamptons relationship with a fella who bears a strong resemblance to Mädchen Amick. Chuck's heart is kind of broken after the false start with Blair-Bear, so he surrounds himself with butterfaces who talk in retarded accents. Dan's hanging with McInerney -- who is still crazy hot -- and is also whoring it up (backfires of course, in front of S), while the fuckin' literati of the universe are sucking down kir royales and smokin' cloves and waiting for his awesome Salingeresque short story about why he broke up with S. (Hint: not even Dan knows why he broke up with Serena, because that storyline is stupid. Catch up, McInerney! And PS: If you don't know who Jay McInerney is, check out my video on YouTube dedicated to Sarah Palin this week called I'm F*cking John Edwards.)
Serena, while pretend-dating Nate, also moons around the Hamptons like the ghost story of a girl who once watched some dude take cocaine and then die, while fucking disposable townie lifeguards. Good girl. Queen B is acting the fool and carrying around cute accessory (and sketch as fuck) boyfriend "James" to drive Chuck wiggy. Chuck runs around playing croquet and being awesome with Eric, while dressed like a lunatic of course -- and things manage to get so lovesome and heartaching that B manages to out-Blair herself, so hearts are breaking everywhere, and it happens over and over and over, so it's like totally awesome, because they are the greatest thing of all time. I mean like they test the pudding skin of how far they can push the melodrama, they push and push, and you're like, "This is fucking delicious pudding." The skin doesn't really enter into it, as it turns out.
Weirdest/awesomest: Dan's tête-à-tête with Serena's cunt grandmother and her fake cancer, both of whom have randomly become totally gorgeous and sparkling-sweet. Whatever fake disease she has, it's totally working -- she looks like a dream and acts like Lily, not to mention having more chemistry in five seconds with Dan than Serena managed in an entire season. Here's my idea: stick Nate with an actual dude like you want to, and hook Lonelyboy up with the MILF. Between Celia and McInerney, he can't lose… Especially after a friendly jealousy-making pretend-makeout between S and N causes both Lonelyboy and Celia to go 100% crazy, because I'm so sure. Then it all turns around and becomes fabulous again when S catches D with all his bitches calling him out, then makes out with him. I'm sure that will be Byzantine and retarded. The last thing is Dan and Celia totally winking at each other and continuing to be as hot as C/B. What if you started writing fan fiction about some homo and his ex-girlfriend's cancer-ridden grandmother? Would you win the internet?
Jenny is getting her sweatshop on at Eleanor Waldorf, mostly involving getting Mean Girled by awesome evil assistant Laurel, and having boring conversations about shit with Rufus (Dan is also having boring-as-shit discussions of WTF with his dad, but that goes without saying). Eric -- who is getting taller and cuter by the second -- randomly decides that Jenny isn't a total piece of shit, and deigns to hang out with her again, taking her to Vitamin Water White Party (I want a tattoo that says "Vitamin Water White Party") introducing her to ♥~*~♥TINSLEY MORTIMER♥~*~♥, who totally changes Laurel's tune about Jenny's talents and blah blah Awesome Laurel eats shit.
OK I AM VERY SORRY BUT IN FACT THAT IS NOT THE WEIRDEST/AWESOMEST BECAUSE THIS JUST IN: "James" is so sketchy that he's secretly British. Like, he actually goes, "I haaaave a British aaaahccent." I got yer heightened reality right here, baby. I don't mean to liveblog you right now but OMG I thought this recaplet was finished. (I guess he's Marcus, whom you may remember from the imaginary series finale spoilers I said should be played by Boone, and I'm not done saying that.) That was the best thing I've ever seen.
Bottom line with the actual people: S&D hooking up again secretly -- which is okay because Dan forgot shirts exist -- C loses by virtue of not being able to say the L word to B and starts drinking, J pretty much rules for the moment, B continues to paint herself into corners at an awesome rate, GG is prickly/beautiful at a much smarter ratio than last year, and Eric is seconds from becoming a future hottie of America. If hotness were the BSA he'd be, like, Webelos this year.
Next week, the Duke and Duchess related to "James"/Marcus start touching all storylines simultaneously, hopefully ending in either Vanessa's assassination or the beginning of WWIII. In short: still the best show ever made. OMFGXOXO, GG.
Find out what new shows are worth watching this fall, and if any could be the next Gossip Girl.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Nate's making out with somebody in the Hamptons, which from what I understand is mostly what you do in the Hamptons when you're not running people over drunk in your SUV. But there are surprising things about this particular make out session thing one being that it's a woman and thing two being that it's not somebody we know. The coolest thing about this very cool episode is that it's not quite a reset from the stupid finale -- it erases it while still taking it into account. So like, you might think this is Serena from the blonde hair and the fact that she's kissing Nate, not to mention the only interesting thing about Nate has always been Serena. But in fact it is Mädchen Amick, who is now old enough to be a cougar, if not a MILF. She is still hot like the sun, but it's a weird match because she's always been best with bad boys, and Nate is essentially neither bad nor boy.
"Unlike the rest of us, sex, lies and scandal never take a vacation. Instead, they take the Long Island Expressway and head east to the Hamptons. Some would say summer is their busiest season." Cougar Catherine runs her nails down Nate's chest, he bites her shoulder, it's all very unfathomable. "Think Park Avenue, but with tennis whites and Bain de Soleil. The players change, but the game remains the same..." What game? Tennis? Cheating? In a car? "I've been waiting for this all day," Nate "moans" "seductively," and Catherine's all exposition, which is after all a proven turn-on for Nate: "Are you sure Serena's still okay with covering for you? She was a little cold." By all means let's discuss Serena van der Woodsen's emotional -- or perhaps actual -- temperature when I'm this close to a hand job on a busy street. Cougars think they have all the time in the world! "You haven't told her anything?" "Just that I'm seeing somebody I'm not ready to introduce to anybody yet --" she shoves him down against the seat "-- Or ever." I'm guessing Serena assumes Nate's finally ready to come out of the closet and this is her way of being supportive.
Nate takes a little time off for exposition now as well, whilst still making out, and I mean, the fact that this isn't entirely ridiculous is a testament to their acting talents, because I've seen less awkward on-paper exposition on the late great Passions: "Look, she needed time to decompress from her breakup anyway. Covering for me works for her, too." Got that? A car goes by and they chill out for like two seconds, then get all hot and heavy again and start talking about how they're going to go fuck in her guesthouse, meaning that she's married, meaning that... Nate is still just so boring. Bless his heart, but I mean, I don't know what it would take at this point. A hail of bullets or something, an earthquake or volcano could perhaps fix Nate's boringness issues.
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