Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
I Don't Want To Get Over You
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Nate's making out with somebody in the Hamptons, which from what I understand is mostly what you do in the Hamptons when you're not running people over drunk in your SUV. But there are surprising things about this particular make out session thing one being that it's a woman and thing two being that it's not somebody we know. The coolest thing about this very cool episode is that it's not quite a reset from the stupid finale -- it erases it while still taking it into account. So like, you might think this is Serena from the blonde hair and the fact that she's kissing Nate, not to mention the only interesting thing about Nate has always been Serena. But in fact it is Mädchen Amick, who is now old enough to be a cougar, if not a MILF. She is still hot like the sun, but it's a weird match because she's always been best with bad boys, and Nate is essentially neither bad nor boy.

"Unlike the rest of us, sex, lies and scandal never take a vacation. Instead, they take the Long Island Expressway and head east to the Hamptons. Some would say summer is their busiest season." Cougar Catherine runs her nails down Nate's chest, he bites her shoulder, it's all very unfathomable. "Think Park Avenue, but with tennis whites and Bain de Soleil. The players change, but the game remains the same..." What game? Tennis? Cheating? In a car? "I've been waiting for this all day," Nate "moans" "seductively," and Catherine's all exposition, which is after all a proven turn-on for Nate: "Are you sure Serena's still okay with covering for you? She was a little cold." By all means let's discuss Serena van der Woodsen's emotional -- or perhaps actual -- temperature when I'm this close to a hand job on a busy street. Cougars think they have all the time in the world! "You haven't told her anything?" "Just that I'm seeing somebody I'm not ready to introduce to anybody yet --" she shoves him down against the seat "-- Or ever." I'm guessing Serena assumes Nate's finally ready to come out of the closet and this is her way of being supportive.

Nate takes a little time off for exposition now as well, whilst still making out, and I mean, the fact that this isn't entirely ridiculous is a testament to their acting talents, because I've seen less awkward on-paper exposition on the late great Passions: "Look, she needed time to decompress from her breakup anyway. Covering for me works for her, too." Got that? A car goes by and they chill out for like two seconds, then get all hot and heavy again and start talking about how they're going to go fuck in her guesthouse, meaning that she's married, meaning that... Nate is still just so boring. Bless his heart, but I mean, I don't know what it would take at this point. A hail of bullets or something, an earthquake or volcano could perhaps fix Nate's boringness issues.

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Gossip Girl

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