Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
I Don't Want To Get Over You

"Sometimes the stars align for two old friends to come together," says Gossip Girl, "But sometimes they align for two old flames to totally combust." Yet again I have no idea what she's fucking talking about, but onscreen there is Dan getting off the jitney and into a taxicab. "Wonder what the sky holds for S tonight: Friendship? Or fireworks?" ... But like are you asking or telling, because I foresee the fickle finger of fate finagling a few fireworks for these four old friends, Fossip Firl.

VITAMINS! WATER! WHITE! This party has it all. Neatly, when we head inside and away from the Jack Johnsonless poolside festivities, the annoying music gets quieter. Eric and Jenny walk through the house and Jenny plays it cool, which is to say rude: "Hey, thanks again for giving me another chance." Slap her. Slapherslapherslapher. Tossherinthepool. Do it. "Thanks for being worthy of it," he says graciously, but doesn't even look her in the eye as he says -- and you know he learned that maneuver from Mama -- "You know you're on probation, right?" They pass Laurel, who's putting her Gauloise out in a young seamstress's eye as she kisses some supermodel's ass, and Jenny nods while walking quickly away in a serpentine fashion so as to avoid getting hit by the cherry Laurel's surely just flicked at her head.

Meanwhile, Nate and Serena pass Catherine and her husband, earning themselves a sour mean scary look; she excuses herself and launches past Nate, but not even the Doppler Effect can take the sting off her hiss: "Trying to ruin my marriage?" Nate meekly requests that Serena get him drunk, and Serena sweetly complies, taking his arm and marching him toward the bar. Serena van der Woodsen is like the Pippi Longstocking of underage drinking.

CeCe's getting ready for a party or a meeting of her coven or something when there's a knock at the door. Who's there? Why it's Daniel Humphrey, last seen telling her to take her fake cancer and shove it where only J.P. Morgan was ever allowed to go. CeCe admits that she's surprised to see him, given that she is terrifying and he is a pantywaist like his father: "[Serena]'s gone ahead to a party ... that I'm quite late for myself."

(CeCe rocks the Vitamin Water White Party? Awesome, I bet she and Diddy have a lot to talk about. They're both crazy rich, they both hate Dan and dated Jennifer Lopez, and they've both recorded duets with Nicole Scherzinger. What I'm trying to say is that the White Party is trashy, and its nefarious purpose is to turn the Hamptons into Miami, which is like quantum gentrification in reverse. I don't like it, it is unfamiliar and threatening to me; this is also why I refuse to acknowledge the Las Vegas exists. I prefer to believe that Brandon Flowers invented Las Vegas to frighten me, thus giving himself a reason to comfort me.)

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Gossip Girl

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