Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
I Don't Want To Get Over You

Chuck's at the beach watching girls running around stupidly for his entertainment, wearing a funny hat and a stripy shirt. He wears green this whole episode, and I will say that as much as I love his usual pageantry, he was born to wear beach costumery. "Girls," says he, "You don't know how thankful I am to have finally found a use for geometry in my daily life." All three of the female members of this rhombus immediately drop their tops at his unspoken command, and he totally goes "Yesssss," like a supervillain. But what's this? A Gossip Girl blast: "Spotted: Blair Waldorf at Charles de Gaulle, homeward bound. What could possibly make Queen B abandon her two dads before Labor Day? We bet Chuck Bass wants to know." One of the girls asks, in a ridiculous accent, if "Mr. Chuck" has anything he needs "caretaking of," and he says the only care he's taking is that of this girl and her two butterface friends. They all grin like they even care about anything.

Serena's walking around the beach like the beautiful ghost of a total stranger, but takes time out to disapprove of the smirking Chuck Bass, who raises a champagne glass. She puts down a blanket in slow-motion so she can stare into the abyss. If you clocked every teenage girl who did that, in just the last summer even, the sheer number of hours spent staring sadly out at the waves while imagining tears running down your face and considering your deep and mournful identification with the lyrics of like All-American Rejects songs, your calculator would melt. "Also spotted: Serena Van der Woodsen, on Cooper's Beach... Alone again. We've heard talk that things are heating up with Nate Archibald. And where there's smoke, there's usually fire. But if that's the case, why has Nate fallen right off our radar and Serena, as always, sighted solo? Wonder what she'd do if she knew Lonelyboy wasn't so lonely anymore..."

Oh yes, do let's check in with Humphrey. He's making out in a SoHo bookshop that looks like the one from Funny Face with a random girl while Jay McInerney reads from Bright Lights, Big City. So basically, if only Tom Waits were there getting shitfaced with Haruki Murakami and all three of them were watching him mack on this girl, Dan Humphrey would fall over dead from this being his number one hipster fantasy of all time. "You wanted an explanation, an ending that would assign blame and dish up justice..." Wait, is Jay talking about the season finale? Is he speaking directly to us? "...But what you are left with is a premonition of the way your life will fade behind you, like a book you have read too quickly, leaving a dwindling trail of images and emotions, until all you can remember is a name." OMG, he's talking about Georgina Sparks! Yes, that same exact feeling! Jay McInerney can see us! I love you, Jay! Please make nice with Bret. (And tell him to call me!)

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Gossip Girl




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