Catherine jumps on some more teenage dick because even though the kissing stunt was stupid and transparent, so's everybody in the Hamptons.
S is on stain management, the rest of the world is tasked with keeping an eye on Dan in his undershirt. It's a tough job but we all have to do our part. Dan admits he went "a little overboard" with the nonstop pussy buffet, and then continues to be sickeningly obvious and smug: "And I hate that I'm even able to say this, but that's, um, that's not the first time something like that has happened." Serena's like, "Wow, you're classless." "I, uh... I haven't been able to get you out of my head all summer. I was hoping when I saw you, I would know that we did the right thing. But I don't feel that way. I don't feel that way at all."
Serena is totally "moved" by these passionate and not-at-all trite "words," and is ready to take him back right there, but asks him to hold off on the poetic romantic foreplay inherent in a musical phrase like "I don't feel that way -- I don't feel that way... at all" long enough for her to scrub the whore stains out of the jacket he borrowed from her dead grandfather. She makes some dumb joke so she can laugh at herself and he can say, completely without irony, that he's missed "that little laugh of [hers]," which he's talked about before, which is ... exactly how boys talk when they're green and don't have any words of their own, so either Dan is the worst character ever created, or genius on a level mere mortals watching this show can only grasp some of the time.
She shushes him, literally, twice, and he takes her hand and Gossip Girl's all about how "when words get in the way," which I mean that's all Dan is, words getting in the way, Dan getting in the way of words, Dan horribly using words to abuse people around him, Dan misusing words to accidentally abuse people around him, Dan letting all of the words out at once when nobody cares, Dan answering questions nobody asked ... with words. He's a lot hotter with that mouth of his closed, is what I'm saying, and I think Serena is hearing that. He kisses her and invites her to leave and she says she'll meet him on the beach and he wanders out in his undershirt and CeCe raises her martini glass, which is edging into Fairy Godmother territory at this point, so even though I like Nice Remission CeCe I will hold out hope that she still hates his ass.
Sad James is now almost crying. Blair's like, "You were right. I used you as a weapon against Chuck. I didn't need you to be interesting, so I didn't listen when you talked. I just needed you to look good. Which you do." About six inches away, like Iago distance away, the private investigator finally returns Chuck's call, which is how he and Blair both get the dirt on James at exactly the same time. "I'm afraid we have something in common." Blair agrees: "I look good too." Yes, but also the terrible and inappropriate thing. (I hope he didn't give anybody stepped-on coke and then watch them choke to death on their own vomit because wow, what a horrible coincidence!) "I don't go to Georgetown, or Princeton, or any school for that matter. I'm afraid I slipped up on that detail." She looks at him, and then the most amazing thing happens. He turns British.