Next day, where we are treated to some yucky Cribs-style wipes and slides before finally coming to visual rest on S and B sitting poolside. Serena's best outfit is later, but this bathing suit is definitely in Blair's Top Two outfits this week: "You didn't do anything all summer? Please don't tell me you just sat around watching The Closer and eating takeout from Nick and Toni's..." Serena corrects her, but not by much: it was Della Femina. "What about all those rumors I heard about you and Nate?" Serena shakes her head: "Completely untrue. They just got people off my back about being sad, and then Nate could do whatever he wanted, so it worked out for both of us." Instead of asking the obvious question in response, which is still going to be whether Nate is sleeping with dudes yet, B is like, "So no fun whatsoever? All summer?" Well, there was a hot lifeguard, but Serena turned him down. "What? Are you crazy? A hot lifeguard is like Kleenex: use once and throw away. You couldn't ask for a better rebound."
One word: townie. I don't understand what's so complicated about that concept. (And in case you need reminding, at this juncture: Blair Waldorf has slept with two boys in her entire life, both of them gayer than actual gay people, and has never so much as touched the waxed chest or legs of a lifeguard, but I love it when she acts like this weary, worldly woman of leisure. Truly, you are the last of the savages. Tell me the part about tea parties again?)
"I don't think I'm ready. I still miss Dan sometimes. More than sometimes, all the time." And I think B speaks for us all when she says that the only thing lamer than dating Dan Humphrey is mourning Dan Humphrey: "And the only reason you're still sitting shiva is because you haven't gotten back out there and had your summer fling!" Because what Blair Waldorf is, is so down with the Jews. Right then, Chuck comes around the corner looking amazing and telling somebody -- or, one hopes, an imaginary nobody -- about how he fucked some girls and then he fucked some other girls and now he's going to fuck a whole bunch of ... Oh, Blair! He didn't know you were here! Not to be outdone in the awesome fake drama department, Blair goes impressively nuts: her voice changes octaves, her face gets twitchy and weird like somebody's got a camera on her, and she actually has the balls to start her lie in medias res.
"...James is the classiest guy I've ever met you know he drinks gin martinis and he speaks six languages and he gave me this amazing Bulgari pearl choker with a gold B clasp on it..." Before she can get to how he also has the powers of levitation and speaks the languages of all the animals, Serena's like, "Wait, I thought your Dad gave you that. Who's James?" Serena gets a little eyeball prompting from B and realizes the game, so then she goes off her rocker. This whole scene is so awesome. S starts strong but doesn't exactly stick her landing: "Oh my God B he sounds amazing the last time we talked, um, you hadn't even met him." C+ for S on this one, between her late start and mentioning reality. "Oh I know! He swept me off my feet he's so charming plus he tells the best stories..." Serena gives a really great face, like, "Oh, that's so wonderful, my friend whom I love and support, who has a newfound happiness in life, for which I am in turn also happy."