Why did you say you kissed the ground I walked on? You should have killed me instead.
Nelly Yuki -- and what a good actor she is, I never really noticed because of the whole Flo Rida thing about her introduction -- finally just leans in, exasperated. "People aren't jealous of you, Blair, they hate you." B shrinks back but Nelly's not done. "I didn't call Yale, and good luck figuring out who did. There are about a thousand people who would relish taking you down." Then it's hilarious because there's a GG blast that hits everybody's phone so the show we're watching literally stops happening so that the entire cast can read the text message. So now you're watching girls in old-timey dresses reading cell phones, and waiting to find out what's up, which is almost as delicious as what's up.
Anonymous has notified GG about the Lord Marcus Incest issue, which is relevant because of the whole My Perfect Life scenario she keeps trying to construct, but also contains the delightful: "And the worst part? B knew, and ignored it. How desperate can you be, B?" Yeah, pretty much wow. Penelope links this up to Yale dumping her, and Nelly Yuki's almost sympathetic: "Someone's out to get you, Blair. It's just not me."
Never one to pause for breath between waves of crazy, B's immediate response to finding out Nelly Yuki's not her enemy is: "Vanessa." So then she stomps off to kill Vanessa. And normally I would make a joke about how I wish this episode were just fifteen iterations of this, Blair marching around backstage constantly redirecting her rage toward new enemies and acting crazier and crazier and finally destroying the whole theatre with eyeball rays like Carrie White, except that's what happens. Well, the eyeball rays belong to Nate, but everything else that's what happens. Every ten seconds, it's a new enemy trying to destroy her, until she's practically frothing at the mouth: her life, in miniature.
Julian calls Serena "Sabrina" and Vanessa's like, documenting how Serena feels about playing May Welland. Instead of being like, "It's just like real life only my clothes are even more awesomely fucked up," she's like, "Just like in the play and in my real life, the guy I'm with is kinda
gay just not that into me." Vanessa's like, "Oh, don't you hate that? I am sure he's just distracted because his Dad ran off to an imaginary South American county after embezzling and he keeps punching him... Wait, what were we talking about? Julian, sorry. Yeah, he's probably distracted." A flatteringly soft-watt lightbulb goes off over Sabrina's head and she's like, "Hey Julian, have you met my new annoying BFF? Let's have dinner and we can talk about the show." Because he's theatre people, Julian's like, "I have been waiting my whole life to expound unendingly about my vision."