Gossip Girl

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The Candle & The Mirror

Storming offstage, Blair hisses that it had to be him, because only he knew, but that makes Dan's face go all thinky, and he looks out at Rachel's creepy pervo face in the audience and gets very creeped. Back in the show, it's the party at Nelly Yuki's, so they wheel her fat ass in. Offstage, Jenny and Nate are awkward. She tries to make conversation about how Julian's so cool for letting Vanessa film everything, and V thinks he's this amazing director, and Nate's like, "OH YEAH?" Then he wanders onstage and forgets his first line, and Dan tries to help him because they are BFF, and Julian leans over to Vanessa and whispers, "He's always had trouble with this line," which is just like normal and "we love our boy don't we," but of course Nate sees this all kinds of wrong, because he can't tell Julian's gay, because if gay were a thing Nate would lose his mind entirely, so instead of seeing pink he just sees RED. He steps downstage and takes his hat right the fuck off.

"I... You know what? Whatever. You want feelings? Well, I hate these clothes, I hate this play, and I hate pretentious asshats who try and steal other people's girlfriends. In fact, I might just spontaneously punch one next time you get in my face." He storms off and Blair smiles, projecting from her diaphragm: "I know just how Mr. Beaufort feels, working so hard for something and losing it because people are out to destroy you!" And then Serena just jumps in there with them: "Well, Countess, at least you don't have to go through your whole life worried your best friend will humiliate and betray you!" Nelly Yuki screams, "I hate this fat suit!" What is it that is funny about fat suits? Science has no answers.

But so then, wonderfully, Nate storms back onstage and literally yells, "Oh, and there's one other thing!" God, I love that kid. He has had it! One more thing! Because I have had it! This is exactly how Nate should be all the time, it's delicious and delightful: "My whole family lost all of our money before my father went to jail for embezzlement!" Which the audience loves, because they're characters in the play and Wharton's New York too, of course. "So I think I know more about humiliation and bankruptcy than some lame dilettante director, okay?" And the whole time Dan's trying to stop him because he loves Nate as much as I do, and B's making the mother of all bitchfaces at S, and Doppelqueller is pulling a June Allyson in the audience, and the Stage Manager girl goes OMG and Dan, sweet Dan with that retarded accent, is like, "Why don't we retire to the parlor, uh, for some port?" And Nate screams, in the most mindbending syntactical twist of all, "I don't give a damn about the van der Luydens, Humphrey!" And as the manager drops the curtain on them all, Blair hatefully waves goodbye to everyone, everywhere, with a brittle evil grin on her face. "Shakespeare says all's well that ends well... And then sometimes it just ends." I'm gonna need a minute.

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Gossip Girl

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