(Or to say it another way: nobody will ever disagree with you that Blair makes shit hard for herself. In fact, I can't think of a single problem that she didn't create for herself with her eyes wide open and glowing with the fire of an actual insane person burning down a hospital. So what's the opposite of that? Serena. There's picking your battles, and then making the Serena choice, which is: no battles at all. And that's how she's the freest one of all, because she's actually right, and unlike Nate doesn't have to get stoned to realize it because she just naturally is (both right, and sort of stoned): None of this shit matters.)
So Serena's grinning like, "Thanks for saying I'm stupid and pretty, that means my plan is working, you dick," and B says the one thing B should never ever say: "At last, my life is perfect! My only problem: How to relate to my character. Countess Olenska is a ruined woman with no prospects, and let's face it, I have the world on a string! Of course, there is the odious task of playing opposite Dan Humphrey..." Which is loopy anyway, in the most terrifying Blair way, but is also just asking for it. She nearly smacks Dorota away from her head so she can concentrate on pretending to care how things are going with Serena, and Dorota responds by awesomely trying the fake hair on in the mirror.
Serena says this latest breakup with Dan is going the same way as all of the other ones -- which is to say, boring and not worth talking about -- and goes into her crush on the play's director, a Juilliard senior who directed Bogosian off-Broadway. His name is Julian, and he's maybe the hottest guy ever on this show, in addition to being completely laughable in every way. Blair blows off his accomplishments, employs the word wunderkind in a gratuitous SAT-word way, and asks if Serena will ever tire of her brooding artists. Which we can agree to call Dan, and although I think "brooding" is a bit of a stretch because he's showy and petulant I defy you to call what he does "art." Serena lays the big gay gun right there on the table -- "He broods in the sexiest way. That is, when he's not looking right through me" -- and B totally goes, "Oh, my life is so bountiful I don't need a boyfriend to feel fulfilled." Bountiful here being, I suppose, in the sense of "No parents, no friends, and they even took away my dog."
The Plastics start screaming elsewhere and B -- needing "silence to emotionally prepare for the stage" -- stomps over to murder them. Turns out that Nelly Yuki got into Yale early, and Blair is hilarious: "Uh, that's impossible?" They only take one Constance girl a year, blah blah, and Penelope shows her Nelly Yuki's email from Berube himself. Blair runs off to harass Queller, leaving Dorota to get into a throwdown with Penelope about their matching maid's outfits and who looks cuter. Advantage Dorota, obviously.