Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Candle & The Mirror

"Blair, it's over. You will not be attending Yale." Doppelqueller walks out the room; Blair's ever-dwindling sanity follows sheepishly, and GG reminds us about how B thought she wasn't Ellen Olenska but guess what, and then it's Blair's first cue... Which is the opera scene that Rachel just lived through a second ago, where everybody points at laughs and gossips about her as she's coming in. And that blonde girl Kelsey -- who isn't even a fucking senior so why is she in the play -- is all, "It's a pity! Her life is finished!" And then just in case you thought GG was on Adderal -- or what my favorite ex used to call "taskin' hard" -- she tosses you a crunk bone: "But don't worry, B. When God closes a door, he opens a play." GG what is ur damage lol.

Chuck gets off the elevator and Elle's standing there and with the curious lack of interest or comprehension or urgency that is her calling card, she begs for his help. In this case, the word "help" sounds a lot like "sandwich" -- because she's so worthless that she's managed to take a storyline about creepy anonymous sex, weird aristocratic brotherhoods and real estate fraud, and turn it into something irritating and boring at once, like a story your mom called to tell you that she's already told you three times -- and at this point I really do think that's on Elle. "Chuck. I need a sandwich."

Serena and Dan are onstage talking about how Newland needs to announce their engagement already, while down in the audience Jenny drops her purse and Rufus helps her pick it up, finding the letter before her snatching reflex kicks in. "May knows as well as I do the real reason of her cousin staying away... But I shall never let her see the least sign that I'm conscious of there being a shadow on poor Ellen Olenska's reputation," says Dan. Because IRL that's Rachel he's talking about, and he doesn't understand that he's being preyed upon because he thinks he is in love and very lucky. Both of which are also true, and good for him, but that doesn't make Rachel any less of a creeping creepazoid.

Nelly Yuki's trying to wrestle herself out of the fat suit she's been wearing the whole time, with Penelope and Iz's help -- I do miss Hazel, she got hot and got gone -- and Blair comes stomping backstage to "make a fat lady sing": "My problem? Is a two-faced, four-eyed devious little snipe in a fat suit. Did you really think you could rat me out to Yale and get away with it?" Nelly Yuki, of course, has no idea what she's about, and Penelope luxuriously rolls her eyes as Blair fully goes, "Everyone's jealous of me because my life is perfect! And you've always been the most jealous of all!"

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Gossip Girl

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