While Dan and Blair suffer the million slings and arrows of airport annoyances -- and eventually, cut-rate hotel stays -- everybody else swarms around like a stepped-on anthill trying to figure out where they went. Except for Serena, who could give a shit, and Nate, who is still trying to lock down that cater-waiter from Le Petit Oeuf. (Who, even after a second run-in with Lily at her house, and a long conversation about Aunt Carol, is still raising not a single red flag for anybody.)
Georgina spends the episode teleporting around New York, giving people clues and briefly imprisoning Dorota and acting a general mess, but eventually gives us the not-so-astonishing truth that she's only been GG since the accident, when Nate and Serena joined forces to take the old Girl down.
Blair spends a third of the episode crapping all over Dan's life, predictably, the second half contrite, and then -- after a comical series of moments in which, one by one, the entire cast somehow shows up at their hotel room door -- finally sells herself back into Monegasque slavery, there to await Prince Louis's future tuberculosis and/or the year specified in the prenup.
Thanks to a handy subclause in that very generous and protean document, Eleanor learns that she's liable for a sizeable dowry should Blair default on the wedding before that time. Chuck immediately offers to cover it, but Blair points out that he'd essentially be buying her from Louis, and God knows neither of them would ever sign on for something like that. ("He won't lay a hand on me," she promises, in a second unfortunate callback to darker days.)
So instead of a Dominican divorce, Blair remands herself back into the hateful arms of Prince Louis. And in case you thought this was somehow not about Serena, allow Serena to set you straight on this one: After all, running off with Dan is a betrayal tantamount to Dan looking S in the eye and basically asking her to stop stalking him. More interestingly, however, is the fact that Serena takes the heat for submitting that wedding-destroying video to GG... Despite not having done it. Will that breathtaking mystery continue for weeks and weeks to come? No, not really. It was Dan. Obviously, in retrospect.
Anyway, for a fabulously uneven season it was a fairly enjoyable, fast-paced hour of television that explored new territories -- no Big Party, interactions with the proletariat -- while bringing last week's high-flown insanity to a somewhat more grounded place. Props for finally switching out the Deal with God for the much more palatable Extortion of Eleanor, and for giving Dan some kind of story beyond not-so-secretly mooning over Blair and Lil' Abnering himself out of Serena's giantess embrace every five seconds.
Next Week: It's Valentine's Day, which apparently involves a dream sequence where this show stops fucking around with the possibility of actual, no-mistake Dair. We live in hope.
Serena, from atop a hotdog cart: "Okay, here I go. Wow, this is really intense. Whew, I'm really having to work up my courage to say this... Dan Humphrey, I have always been in love with you and I always will be."
Dan: "...What? Sorry, I wasn't listening because I don't care."
Louis: "Our marriage is a sham, just like you wanted."
Blair: "Janet Jackson ft. Joni Mitchell was right!"
Serena: "Everybody? Have you seen Blair?"
Everybody: "Well, the reception for her wedding just ended, so I'm guessing she's on her way to the hotel to rest up for their honeymoon flight to Bali."
Serena: "But have you seen her? Around?"
Rufus: "I am married too! We danced!"
Lily: "Well, that's one word for it. But yeah, no. No Blair."
Serena: "How about you, Eleanor?"
Eleanor: "Wherever she is, I bet she's miserable."
Serena: "That goes without saying, probably. She has become the Worst."
Serena: "Aren't you supposed to be gone by now?"
Louis: "[Essentially, Blair is in the WC and he's doing the receiving line himself, like would absolutely never happen in real life -- unless the marriage was a sham. Ah.]"
Serena: "Okay, well, I'm going to keep looking for her and delay you further."
Georgina: "Man, that wedding I did nothing to ruin sure didn't get ruined."
Philip: "Am I gay? Is that... Has it been confirmed that I'm gay? I can't remember."
Georgina: "Not even people who are at the reception are capable of figuring out that Blair left early, but somehow I totally can tell. Therefore, something is wrong."
Philip: "Don't you ever sleep? Being married to you is like being married to Nikki Finke but with less cats and more Ozma's Royal Guard outfits."
Georgina: "Uh, coke. Duh."
Phillip: "Aren't you exhausted?"
Georgina: "On the contrary. I've never felt more invigorated!"
...Coke. Actually, I bet being Gossip Girl comes with a shitload of drugs as part of the deal. That would explain a lot.
Exhibit A: Poor Little Orphan Jenny looks like she needs a Daddy Warbucks but Daddy Warbucks don't grow on trees at least on a tree that grows in Brooklyn.
Exhibit B: When most people lose a parent they inherit sorrow loss and a closet full of outdated clothes but on the Upper East Side death's sad chapter comes with a silver lining or a gold one if your relatives invested wisely in precious metals.