PREVIOUSLY

Serena, from atop a hotdog cart: "Okay, here I go. Wow, this is really intense. Whew, I'm really having to work up my courage to say this... Dan Humphrey, I have always been in love with you and I always will be."
Dan: "...What? Sorry, I wasn't listening because I don't care."

Louis: "Our marriage is a sham, just like you wanted."
Blair: "Janet Jackson ft. Joni Mitchell was right!"

WALDORF-GRIMALDI NUPTIALS

Serena: "Everybody? Have you seen Blair?"
Everybody: "Well, the reception for her wedding just ended, so I'm guessing she's on her way to the hotel to rest up for their honeymoon flight to Bali."
Serena: "But have you seen her? Around?"

Rufus: "I am married too! We danced!"
Lily: "Well, that's one word for it. But yeah, no. No Blair."

Serena: "How about you, Eleanor?"
Eleanor: "Wherever she is, I bet she's miserable."
Serena: "That goes without saying, probably. She has become the Worst."

Louis: "[Whatever.]"
Serena: "Aren't you supposed to be gone by now?"
Louis: "[Essentially, Blair is in the WC and he's doing the receiving line himself, like would absolutely never happen in real life -- unless the marriage was a sham. Ah.]"
Serena: "Okay, well, I'm going to keep looking for her and delay you further."

CASA SPARKS-HUSBAND

Georgina: "Man, that wedding I did nothing to ruin sure didn't get ruined."
Philip: "Am I gay? Is that... Has it been confirmed that I'm gay? I can't remember."
Georgina: "Not even people who are at the reception are capable of figuring out that Blair left early, but somehow I totally can tell. Therefore, something is wrong."
Philip: "Don't you ever sleep? Being married to you is like being married to Nikki Finke but with less cats and more Ozma's Royal Guard outfits."
Georgina: "Uh, coke. Duh."

Actually, verbatim:

Phillip: "Aren't you exhausted?"
Georgina: "On the contrary. I've never felt more invigorated!"

...Coke. Actually, I bet being Gossip Girl comes with a shitload of drugs as part of the deal. That would explain a lot.

Exhibit A: Poor Little Orphan Jenny looks like she needs a Daddy Warbucks but Daddy Warbucks don't grow on trees at least on a tree that grows in Brooklyn.

Exhibit B: When most people lose a parent they inherit sorrow loss and a closet full of outdated clothes but on the Upper East Side death's sad chapter comes with a silver lining or a gold one if your relatives invested wisely in precious metals.