Gossip Girl
The Backup Dan

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Runaway Snide

HOTEL BAR

Dan: "If you're looking for Serena, she's gone. It's just me, hanging out in this random hotel bar for no reason."
Blair: "Actually, I was looking for you, to thank you for taking care of me this last month. Enabling my insane behavior, escorting me to that fly-by-night priest that gave me such bad advice, driving me around town, constantly scheming with Chuck and Louis to humiliate me, and talking to the airplane lady even though I was standing right there."
Dan: "It was nothing. It was less than nothing. Literally."
Blair: "I also know you wrote those vows that we never actually got to see him say."
Dan: "[Gobbledegook.]"
Blair: "[Similar.]"
Dan: "I'm glad we're friends again. And you're being so nice! I wish you could be like this for..."
Blair: "-- Your hair looks like a merkin and you're a terrible writer who will die alone."
Dan: "Yeah, no wonder every guy on this show is in love with you."
Blair: "But I'm not done being crazy for the night, so I need you to back me up no matter what ass-head stupid shit I pull next."
Dan: "Always."

LOADING DOCK

Lola: "Oh my God, Nate Archibald. We keep meeting like this! By coincidence!"
Nate: "Not this time. Lily called me."
Lola: "That old lady has taken an unhealthy interest in my sex life."
Nate: "That is my entire storyline, usually."
Lola: "So about the mom lie. I lied to her because she is a bitch."
Nate: "My mom's a bitch too. Depending on the episode. Sometimes she's just a boozed-up neurasthenic."
Lola: "My crazy family! She thinks I'm at Michigan State. That's the doom shit she was hinting at with Peepers that time."
Nate: "My cousin tried to have me killed. It resulted in a miscarriage, and my friend lost her mind and still hasn't recovered. It's just snakes and blown-out speaker buzz in there now. But that's nothing compared to Michigan State."
Lola: "I'm not sure I want to be a rich person anymore."
Nate: "That's too bad, because I think my internet blogazine media thing is really going to take off."

FRENCH LEGATION? CHEZ WALDORF?

Eleanor: "Prince Louis! Where is your mother!"
Louis, smug: "[Responds in the negative.]"
Eleanor: "Well, you tell her that I figured out where Blair is, and she can go fuck herself. I don't care if I'm going to the poorhouse. Nobody controls us."
Louis, smug: Smugs.
Blair, appearing: "Actually, the Royal Family of Monaco controls us."
Eleanor: "But wait, why?"
Blair: "I am going to be married to Louis for the next year. I decided."
Eleanor: "That's not an answer to the question."
Blair: "There is no answer to the question. I am doing a ludicrous, seemingly self-sacrificing thing for literally no reason, despite having numerous, easily accomplished, clearly marked options for how to solve the problem."
Dan: "And I'm helping!"

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