Gossip Girl
The Backup Dan

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Runaway Snide

Blair, ver-fuckin-batim: "Great. Now I need a passport to prove I'm me?"
Reality: "Was that supposed to be, like, a joke? Are you mentally retarded?"
Blair: "Season Five. Nobody knows for sure."

Blair: "If that stupid video had never come out, none of this would have happened!"
Dan: "You mean, if 'somebody' hadn't shown Louis that video of you cuckolding him, then passports wouldn't be necessary for international travel?"

Blair: "If only there was a way to retrieve my passport, I could use that as documentation to prove my identity!"
Dorota: "...Something tells me I'm about to have a purpose on this show for a second."

EMPIRE

NJBC: "So Dan said one thing, and Georgina said another thing..."
Georgina: "Why do you automatically assume that I'm the one lying?"
Serena: "Please, you have less of a personality than Prince Louis at this point. Lying is one of your only qualities or traits. Also, why are you here?"
Chuck: "Word. I'm calling security."

Phillip text: PS, Dorota just went to Blair's house to get her passport.

Georgina, awesomely: "No need for security! The jig is up! Ya caught me, I been lying. I don't know what to say. I'm bored and my DVR is empty. Listen, I can normally keep this up for hours, but I have a kid now, and his Mommy & Me group is way more fun to mess with than you guys so later!"

Serena: "She's so weird! It's almost like that text was a clue. Anyway, how you doin', little guy?"
Chuck: "I feel dumb for assuming she would run straight to me. And now that she'll obviously assume I sent that video, it's all over between us."
Serena: "Do you ever get tired of breaking up with her every five seconds for dumb reasons?"
Chuck: "Clearly I do not."

Louis Text on Blair's Phone which Serena has: Where the hell are you? Get back here this instant!
Serena: "Wow, Louis is kind of a dick. I didn't even know he could text in English. Maybe he's been this rude the whole time, and nobody could tell because of his gross marble-mouthed way of speaking."
Chuck: "Oh, that reminds me, I've been meaning to congratulate you on enunciating this season."
Serena: "Ever since that Eliza Doolittle dream I've been practicing my helocution. Finally it's beginning to bear fruit. The rrrrain in Spain falls mainly on the..."
Chuck: "Let's just go find Blair, okay?"

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Gossip Girl

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