Gossip Girl
The Big Sleep No More

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
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When The Hurley-Burley's Done

Then, waffles.

EXT. SLEEP NO MORE

Ivy: "Max, why are you stalking me? Is it because I left you that weird, scary voicemail and then lost my phone and never contacted you again?"
Max: "Nope! By some strange coincidence, I just happen to be here for a job interview. Why on earth are you here? And do you know my new girlfriend Serena van der Woodsen?"
Ivy: "Oh, no. Even though it's instantly verifiable, which you won't figure out until next week. Never heard of her. I mean, I've heard of her because of Gossip Girl. Do you know about Gossip Girl? It's this website that invalidates my entire plotline."

Ivy: "That was pretty sneaky how you made me kiss Max and not Nate!"
Diana: "I told you I was going to do something sneaky, and then I did! HA! Also, you are fired. Now, cry for the camera."

Ivy cries for the camera and Diana sends it to Gossip Girl, activating Serena's whole thing about little defenseless animals. Just one more aspect of her fractal, ever-evolving plan. We are all robots in the Payne Matrix. We are all puppets for her dastardly doings.

AFTERMATH

Blair: "Dorota, I hope you've learned your lesson. I will always be right about Charles Bartholomew Bass, and now that I've proven I made the right choice with Louis, tomorrow we can get back to my restful week of prenatal pampering before I welcome my fiancé home with open arms."
Dorota: "Dear Chuck, thanks for once again removing even the possibility of agency from what was once this show's greatest achievement as a character. Glad I could help."
Blair: "I'm just a silly girl that doesn't know what I want! Women are hysterical!"

Or: Now, an egg is not a stone; it is not made of wood, it is a living thing. It has a heart. So when we crack it, we must not torment it. We must be merciful and execute it quickly, like with the guillotine.

EMPIRE

Nate: "Explain to me how paternalistically manipulating Blair into acting insane, with the help of her closest confidant, only to make her feel like a crazy pregnant teenage whore with no options, was a good thing."
Chuck: [Tries.]

Diana: "Nate, let's talk about how we're dating or whatever we constantly are talking about."

SPECTATOR?

GG, awesomely: "Lock your windows, Upper East Siders. Looks like Serena's cuckoo Cousin Charlie is off her meds again and about to jump to her own conclusion..."

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Gossip Girl

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