How, how, how have we lived even a moment without this show? Gossip Girl is back and more perfectly awesome than ever.
Spotted: Chuck pissing off Serena in their new shared household and corrupting Eric as quickly as he can. After a series of incriminating deliveries to S -- porn, champagne, cocaine -- Bart kicks C out of the house for causing trouble.
S is forced to apologize once she learns who's been sending the naughty gifts: the mysterious "G," who promises to return to the UES shortly. Just the letter G is apparently enough to scare the shit out of them both, causing a sweet and unnerving reconciliation between the soon-to-be siblings.
But the real news is Little J, who overshadows the fallen Queen B's return to school by causing a major scandal. She's been selling her sewing machine and household items to keep up with the Bitches, and when the shit finally comes due she decides to steal a dress from Hazel's house. Which turns out not to be a random gown, but a custom Valentino worth like a billion dollars.
After a series of humiliations, B turns up the heat in her own special, chaotic way, and J ends up getting caught in the stolen dress and left by the Bitches for dead. Then! A last minute genius maneuver -- involving turning poor Nate's ass out yet again -- puts J back on top again!
Everybody is scary! XO! XO! XO!
Way too long previouslies, about which I am of two minds, because on the one hand it's nice to be reminded, I guess, but are we still pretending that recaps are for people who missed the previous episode or episodes? The longer the previouslies, the more likely it is that a new viewer is going to throw up her hands and say that this show is too hard. When the fact is, to understand this episode, you only have to know that Blair is a bitch and got totally boned, in a social context, and that Jenny is an idiot, and is asking to be destroyed. And to enjoy the episode, you need less than that: just eyes, a heart, and a love of bright colors. And, you know, best episode title possibly ever, so there's that too.
It starts with a visually impressive redux of the last scene of Breakfast At Tiffany's, which is kind of important in that the movie is key to Blair's whole personality and though it's been mentioned before, it's never been actually visually represented on the show beyond some wardrobe stuff and references. This is brilliant, though. If you haven't seen that movie, go see it. I'll wait.
Wasn't that so good? That's my favorite movie. Okay, so at this point in the story "Holly" (Blair) has just discovered that her sleazy Brazilian boyfriend José da Silva Pereira (Chuck) has no interest of joining her in infamy or rescuing her from her total social destruction. (Only instead of a pregnancy scare from two babydaddies, it has to do with the Mob, whatever.) "Holly" kind of massively flips out in front of her actual true-love boyfriend, "Fred" (Nate) and decides to let her cat, "Cat," go free in the streets of NYC, in order to prove that she's this amazing free wild creature. The cool thing about all this is that their names are not "Holly," "Fred" or "Cat," their actual names are other names, but "Holly" goes around changing everybody's name all the time because she thinks she's Penny Lane and this isn't the real world, because in reality she and "Fred" are both total prostitutes. Literal.
So edgy! And let's not even discuss Mickey Rooney's totally racist turn as the landlord, because in twenty years I have not figured out an adequate way to reconcile that shit. So then when Holly lets Cat go she experiences a total freak out and goes running around looking for him, talking her bullshit about how they're going to be wild creatures together, which is when "Fred" comes looking for her, and in the movie they realize they're in love and whatever, they both look totally hot in the rain. And her hair is just like that, and their clothes are just like that, and George Peppard was once a wild hottie before he was on The A-Team 140 years after this movie was made.