Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!

So Blair/Holly/LulaMae's running around looking for Cat/a cat/her lost mojo -- with the most excellent addition of interjecting a tiny Blairlike "Ew!" in the middle of her screaming for Cat -- and then Nate/Fred/Paul comes up and he looks perfect, the hair people on this show should be millionaires, and he goes, "You don't have a cat, Jenny. You don't have anyone." Which is a painful reversal from the movie, where Paul is a big old girl who gives these masculine speeches about love all the time. And the whole time, Blair's screaming, "But I'm Blair. I'm Blair!"

And then the Wayne and Garth waterfall fingers, and Dorota is doing her best to wake Blair up, resulting in both of them saying her name like sixty times, and Gossip Girl -- Hey, hi! -- is all, "Spring Break is done, and I'm starved for the dish. Were you sunning in Capri or sinning in Croatia? Give me the deets." (Gossip Girl says we can still say "deets," so file that shit away.) Blair's like, WTF, and Dorota sums up: "You have bad dream, and you're sleeping with your chocolates." Blair makes out with her box of Godiva a little bit, and Gossip Girl wonders where "dethroned royalty" like ex-Queen B vacationed. I thought France, but Dorota says "Club Bed." Which isn't even that clever, but I didn't even know Dorota could talk so she gets a bye. It's smart to place the hiatus over Spring Break like this, I used to love it when The O.C. did stuff like that. Blair whines that she's not ready for her first day back, and orders Dorota to cancel with Serena, and cover her mirrors because she's in mourning for her former life. Wait, are we admitting Jews exist now? Only the Asian-Israeli ones, you say? Well, that makes sense.

Serena runs around the Bass penthouse scrambling to get ready, and finally yells at Chuck through the bathroom door. "Are you done yet?" She finally walks in, because what, like everybody in the tri-state area hasn't seen his junk by now, and he's just sitting on the sink smoking a doob and grinning meanly. She yells at him some more, and he calls to the ladies in the shower to make room for his sister. She's grossed out, and he says he's just messing with her, there are no ladies, but she ignores it and takes the joint out of his mouth and yells at him for smoking up in her bathroom. He smarms around for awhile and they have this hilarious chemistry where she's just totally exasperated and he is loving it, and the whole time they're expositing about how their parents are getting married, she keeps taking away his joint and tossing it, and he keeps picking it up and trying to light it again. "I am not your sister. I do not share any of your DNA, nor do I ever wish to." He suggests, in one of if not the best line of the episode, that she get some new hand towels, then, and she's not even dealing with that. She asks him again to leave, and finally just decides to forego her shower and runs off, grossed out by life.

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Gossip Girl




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