Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!

The new post-Blair Bitches of Constance are walking to school, and here's what they are wearing. Iz is in a totally fetch white-and-yellow striped slicker. (Kati is back in Israel, so now they're letting Iz talk.) Penelope, who is the one we thought was Hazel before the break, that looks like Blair and Chuck's imaginary baby, is wearing bright red. The real Hazel is the squat blonde that looks like Natalie Maines crossed with a Hobbit, and she always wears the cutest clothes of them: lavender peacoat and headband, necktie, twelve necklaces, and a giant garish red bag. And there's Little Jenny Humphrey with cute hair, a classic ivory coat, an old-lady widow's collar thing, a purple headband and matching giant garish purple purse. Lots of red and purple going on with this crew. Remember when the moms used to get together and drink bellinis in purple dresses and red hats? The '90s were weird. Oh, and Elise -- the goat of the group that looks five and carried Jenny's books -- is wearing a bunch of pink as usual.

Isabel has her broken arm in a striking green sling, swearing that next year they're Spring Breaking in Maldives, because skiing is too dangerous. Penelope laughs that she broke her arm in the spa, and Little J hands Hazel a bracelet that she borrowed from her during the Aspen trip they all just back from, and Hazel's like, "You know you could've just kept it, I would've forgot I had it." Jenny files away in her pointy little head that apparently Hazel is cool with getting shit stolen from her, and Penelope changes the subject to Jenny's birthday party tomorrow at Socialista. Jenny waxes excited about the mojitos and Iz tells her to hold off on exploding with delight until she's wrapped her mouth around a mini-Cuban. Then, I think Jenny tries to explain that she doesn't go down on small Cubans; Penelope laughs and explains that it's a sandwich and asks what everybody's wearing to the party. Hazel is feeling her Ferragamo clutch and whatever dress she'll buy to go with it. Jenny mumbles that she's got some dresses on hold at Bendel's. Iz points out an ATM that Jenny could use to pay Penelope back the $120 from "brunch," reminding us that time and space have no meaning in the UES, but Penelope doesn't feel like stopping, so Jenny is spared the indignity of insufficient funds for at least a while.

Serena and Chuck come running down the stairs Chez Bass, where Eric is lurking around, hiding from his valet. "He wanted to put my socks on for me this morning!" Chuck sleazes that if Eric thinks that the servants are attentive now, he should meet the new Latvian maid Brigitta. Still laboring under the misapprehension that her brother will ever know the touch of a woman, Serena yells that Eric's only fourteen and needs to avoid "this person" Brigitta at all costs. Chuck tries to remind Serena that she did at one point have a sense of humor, but Serena is not hearing it. I think this is due to Dan's influence.

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Gossip Girl




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