Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Hareton Earnshaw Will Have His Revenge!

"The thing that always fascinated me about you: The cool exterior, the fire below." (Burlesque reference #1.) Blair awesomely reminds Chuck he's new money: "You are living proof a person can't buy class." Chuck dares her to lie and say that "Bertie Wooster" is satisfying her needs: "Titles aside, a suit of armor makes for a cold bedfellow." (#2.) Blair informs Chuck about her "amazing sex life" with Lord Marcus, and Chuck turns into a regular old octopus-handed pervert, turning her around in a sudden movement and then feelin' all over her and breathing in her ear and being totally, totally excellent. "What names does he call you when you make love?" Her face goes freaky and she's like this total slave to desire or whatever. "Where does he put his hand?" She breathes and acts like she's been hypnotized by Kaa. Like there are little horny circles whirling in her eyeballs.

"Does he..." And I don't know what he says, but it's too OMFG for the CW, and he gives her a furnace-breath in the ear, causing her eyeballs to roll hilariously up so far she's looking at her horny brain. "...Have sex with me," he says, and such is the erotic trance he has put her in that it actually takes her a second to snap on that. "What?" He assures her it would be just once -- "That's all I need" -- and she gives a good impression of being disgusted. Or, I mean, she would if you were only listening and not watching, because her mouth is saying "You are disgusting, and I hate you" but her body is still saying every naughty word it knows at the top of its imaginary lungs. "Then why are you still holding my hand?" She jerks away and runs off to host the party, but he grins because baby, it's back.

Dan picks up Serena and instead of talking about their problems like they said they would, they make awkward small talk, he tells her she looks great like fifty times, the lights flicker, they wait for the elevator, and Serena's so stuck for conversation she's like, "...Did you do anything this afternoon? ...Chuck had a Japanese stewardess over today..." Dan bangs on the button like a billion times, so Serena will stop talking about her family or herself or her day and go back to feeling quietly bad about herself.

Blair's displeased with Nate for not bringing Vanessa, and he says he's not putting V in her "trap or whatever it is," and she's like, "Please, you want me to feel bad? You're not exactly occupying the moral high ground, Archibald." I am so loving Blair's take on Nate, and the way they interact now. While I would love a spinoff that was just Nate and Serena having an awesome day once a week, because they're the only nice people on this show and I love them the most, I do wish he'd interact with everybody more often. It's like, all he ever, ever does is whore it up, hit his dad in the face, be gay with Chuck, and crap on Vanessa. Which is a valid spinoff of its own, and three of the many things I love about him, but I like him too much for that to be all. Especially considering his history with the two main ladies, he should be up in their confusion at all times.

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Gossip Girl

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