Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Hareton Earnshaw Will Have His Revenge!

Dan's like, "There are an entire city's worth of people stuck in elevators right now." Valid. Serena tells him to shut up about it, if he's not going to call, because his constant outrage as a class warrior just makes it hotter. Also valid. Dan stands there for five seconds -- good on you -- before vengefully grabbing the phone. She's like, "OMG proving a point, forget it" but he just tells the guy that yes, yes he just called, sorry, but he forgot to mention Serena van der Woodsen was also in the elevator. "...Okay. Thanks." He stands very, very quietly for a long, long while, and then in the most amazing, endearing deadpan, goes, "Well, they're gonna send someone, so..." He stares at the ceiling. Honestly it should feel better than it does, because my black heart is having a whole Cindy Lou Who moment right now.

Speaking of, Jenny's on her way out the door into the terrifying chaos of a UES power outage and Eleanor's like, "Even being the only parent worse than yours, I will not send you out into a blackout. Don't you know there are Bros out there looting the Pottery Barn?" She grabs Jenny roughly by the wrist and swings her around in the air -- that part was awesome -- and places her across the table, holding a flashlight on her designs. Jenny gives in, because that's her Indian name, "Gives In To Whatever All The Effing Time No Matter What Because Of Self Esteem," and Eleanor privately natters about the neckline on a dress she's looking at. Jenny says it's sooooo cute and Eleanor's like, "Sack up and pretend you're Tina Fey. I can't fire you twice, although I can beat you until the sun comes up." Jenny says it looks like "a Pilgrim at a funeral" even though what it looks like is something Blair would wear, which it occurs to me that Blair kind of does dress like a Pilgrim who dropped acid ten minutes before a funeral. Jenny apologizes for having an opinion, but Eleanor tells her that she's absolutely right, and not to let it go to her head. (She immediately does.)

Nate wraps up his whole sordid story by saying that Anne is still under the impression that Chuck is funding their lifestyle, so she's not asking questions about the Duchy millions, and Vanessa again asks for the UES ethical tutorial. "So borrowing money from your son's friend is fine, but whoring him out to pay the club bill isn't?" ...Yeah? I don't even get how that's confusing. "Do you wanna be with this woman?" Nate says that, now that they are out of the Hamptons and he's being forced to budget his time more carefully, he no longer wants to fuck the very hot Catherine, but instead wants to be with the very lovely Vanessa. In both cases it's a trade-off of unimaginable proportions. However, he realizes that Vanessa is too upstanding to love a common whore like him, and Vanessa's like, "Not so fast, cowboy." She tells him he's "better than this," which, how would anybody know because it's all he's ever done on this show, and sends him out to break up with Catherine and become poor, just like she always wanted, with her homeschooled minimum-wage ass.

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Gossip Girl

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