Serena and Dan are walking down the street eating ice cream. I must say that the PA in charge of making everybody look totally sweaty and dewy and moist and unattractive to the touch really did his job in this scene. Maybe it was God, I have no idea when this was filmed. Dan refers to the big bash as their "coming out party," (Did you see SNL this week? James Franco does a better Penn Badgely than Penn does, although I will mention, in case it comes up later I guess, my belief that if Serena had a penis it would be huge, just like the rest of her) about which Serena has no fear at all, because people are going to figure it out. "We're not exactly the world's most covert secret couple," she says. You're not the most interesting couple either, so it's kind of a null sum. Dan says his family is getting a little "curious" about his new friend Clyde who keeps calling him. WTF is the point of this pageantry? God knows the only interesting thing about their family is the fact that Dan is dating a murderer and that has always been true. What do they talk about if Dan's not talking about Serena? Even if they weren't "secretly dating," his emo ass would still be chattering fucking nonstop about her.
Serena's excited: "See? Come on. We tell everybody once, and then it's done. And now -- thank you universe -- we have the perfect opportunity." A party hosted by Blair Waldorf, "The Biggest Dan Humphrey Supporter in all of Manhattan," as Dan calls her. Serena asks what the heck he's so afraid of that he keeps whining about everything, and because this also is a very short question with a very long, very boring answer, he reverts to smart-alecky: "Right now? Heatstroke." Which to be fair is a worthwhile concern, given the buckets they are continuing to sweat. I need a Gatorade just sitting here. She's moderately exasperated, because none of this drama makes sense to her, because she is Serena: she just wants to have fun. He realizes he's being flippant in exactly the wrong way, and sort of apologizes: "Look, right now things are just... They're so good between us, you know, and if we just start telling people..." What? What could anybody possibly say that would change it? He agrees with Serena that, as usual, the entire problem is in his stupid chiseled-cheekbone brain, and she kisses him, and they make out, and about a foot away there's a random Dawn Weiner snapping photos of them. GG: "Looks like your coming-out party just moved up!"
Chuck walks Ann (previous winner of the Katy Perry Experimental Lesbian Crush Award on ANTM, looking gorgeous as usual, to the door. "Rachel, I'll give you a call when I'm feeling better." He and Blair both get the GG blast about D and S being spotted snogging "like all is forgiven" in their separate houses; B shuts her phone in a disgusted rage ("I knew it!") as GG asks -- very fucking rhetorically from where I'm standing -- whether "round two" will be any different. No. No, it will not, because there is something broken inside of Dan Humphrey.