Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Hareton Earnshaw Will Have His Revenge!

Vanessa excuses herself to accept a delivery and Nate whispers, "Blair, what are you really doing here? You can't stand Vanessa, and you've never done anything when something wasn't in it for you." Blair says she's not even having it, this whole MILF affair, and Nate asks if that means she's planning on distracting him with Vanessa. She says yes, but it's a total lie, and Nate at least knows that much: "It's just, as your plans go? It's kinda nice." Blair reminds him not to be offensive, and adds that if he's interested in holding onto Vanessa, he's going to have to "step it up." I love that Nate is so ineffectual that "stepping it up" in this case basically means "be in the same location, at the same time, for some finite amount of minutes." B's voice rises to its normal commanding pitch as Vanessa returns: "So I can look forward to seeing you tonight?" Nate agrees, and shakes off Vanessa's kind of pathetic joy at being allowed to accompany him to a party in a particularly gay way. B leaves and Nate makes a truly hilarious, resigned Fuck It face. Down on the street, B hollas at her Duchess: "It's me. He's bringing her. And for the record, whatever you're planning with Nate, my bedroom floor is off-limits."

A disappointed Asian "massage therapist" drags her stuff back Tokyo-ward; Chuck heads straight for the bar. Serena perches on the counter and beams down at Chuck: "Who was that?" He calls the departing woman a "whiff of the Far East," and Serena's all, "Sometimes I envy you, the way you just..." And it's an interesting acting choice that I hope pays off, because that's Old (or Next) Serena talking for a second before she catches herself. "Ew! What am I saying? You're disgusting." Chuck tells her to chill out, since "nothing happened with Madame Butterfly" anyway. Serena doesn't believe it at first, but -- note how Chuck, for all his bullshit and love of torturing her, actually does always approach Serena as his sister now, which I love so much -- Chuck assures her it's not happening, and hasn't been all week. Serena's agog, and he charmingly says he'll take her incredulity as a compliment. Serena keeps pushing, and he says he's tried everything, "from the erotic to the pharmaceutical." She laughs sweetly in his face and says that it's obvious: he's not over B.

Now, it's been a while since I was a teenage boy, but I think we can agree that while this is good for the funny, and a good storyline, it's about as realistic as a high school chorale singing "Glamorous" in their knee socks and, from where I'm standing, just as awesome. "This is your body's way of telling you," she says. And again, medically speaking, I think it would actually be his body's way of saying something is either dreadfully wrong, or else Nate just jumped a few lengths in the horserace for Chuck's dick. "I don't have a romantic bone in my body," Chuck says, looking down at himself angrily: "Least of all that one." Serena flounces around, and he admits she's raising an interesting idea. "Clearly there's some sort of... Blockage." He thinks for a bit, and she knows what he's going to say before he says it, registering a powerful disagreement. "One more go-round, just to clear the pipes." She orders him not to use B as "sexual Drano," which is evocative to say the least, and he smiles. "...I have to make myself presentable. I have a party to attend." I missed Scheme-y Rape-y Chuck, too! He downs his drink and winks at S: "By the way, congrats on you and Humphrey. Water always finds its own level." Chuck is ... so hot right now. When the hell did that happen?

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Gossip Girl

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