Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
You Be Him + I'll Be Her

Eric tries to explain to Baylor and Taylor how Jenny's reign as Queen is a grotesque aristocracy mockery and how Blair was never this drunk with power, but just as the worm is turning Jenny appears with two more Roadies ear-marked with Blue and Purple ribbon for her two Handmaidens, explaining that her banishment of Saylor was punishment for ruining the Christmas surprise. "OMGBGE!" they scream -- "Ach Mein Gott Ist Tot Jenseits von Gut und Böse Vorspiel einer Philosophie der Zukunft!" -- and there are many hugs, and the girls run away but not too far so that Eric can have a whispered aside about how three Roadies is the same amount of cash as a SmartCar, which not even Lily would shell out for purses. Jenny rolls her eyes and runs off with her Handmaidens to buy quote "matching lipstick." Matching what, pray tell? The black patent-leather bags? Each other's lipstick? Their monochromatic jeweltones?

Lily pours Blair some tea while she explains her issue: "Chuck's having such a difficult day, and since I'm sure you are, too, I thought you might have some words of advice. Cyrus says it's an essential part of life, honoring the dead. But Chuck refuses to visit Bart's grave even today." Lily's triumphant-slash-oh fuck reaction to figuring out that she's completely forgotten her husband's death is perfect in every single way, like she's playing Pictionary: "...On the...? Anniversary of his death!"

Blair continues making Lily feel greater and greater amounts of asshole while simultaneously downloading tons of rehash exposition of stuff we haven't talked about in a long time so we can adjust continuity retroactively in a sec: "Do you know that Chuck's never been to his mother's grave once? I can understand not going on the date she died -- it is his birthday, after all -- but Bart refused to tell him where Evelyn was even buried. Said it was morbid for a child to visit a cemetery..." Lily drinks and stares and thinks about what a dick she is until Blair shouts her name like a misbehaving child: "Lily! Are you listening." Lily swears she was, and promises to visit Charles immediately.

Blair thanks her and stands to leave just as Rufus is coming back from his pretend life, and explains to him about Bart's death anniversary, so Rufus assumes that Lily's fretting has to do with that, which he loves to the max because it means he gets to be a strong husband and hand out liberal hugs, which is his favorite activity. Meanwhile, Lily just gets shiftier and shiftier because now she's got three husbands having teatime in the middle of her life, like Chrimbo ghosts or wolves, and she doesn't know how she's going to get past them without hitting at least one of them, and if she does it's going to be Rufus that gets run over, because he is asking for it every second of every single day.

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Gossip Girl




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