Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
You Be Him + I'll Be Her

The Handmaiden that wears Blue calls the purse a "baby" and the one in Purple starts crying and shit and they talk about how the waiting list is still waiting because it's not in stores yet. Which would all be very amazing if this exact same thing hadn't happened, oh, two or three weeks ago when Blair made the acquaintance of that awesome prostitute, pretty much verbatim. At least this time they're not saying that egregious fashionista crap, and none of them are named Brandeis. I mean, I don't know what their names are -- Saylor, Taylor, and Baylor or something -- but that would be pushing it.

Kyler and Tyler are like, "So lucky to be Lily Bass's daughter!" And Jenny points out that her name's Humphrey now, like that's something to be goddamn proud of, and that anyway she has her own secret connections. Then Schuyler comes walking up all in Green and she's got the same bag and isn't that cute and they're twinkie-twins and Jenny tells her she can shove that Roady right up her bodhi if she thinks she's getting away with stepping on Queen J's style, and sends her across the street to be lonely and fashionable. Everybody's sad because it was a Christmas gift from her Mom and Jenny is being unreasonable, but then she offers to let Huey and Dewey touch her bag and they have orgasms.

Around the corner, Heather Green is like, "That was totally humiliating," because it turns out the whole intense purse thing is Eric van der Woodsen's latest evil plot to bring revolution to the proletariat. Horrible Kira adds nothing as usual to this scene. But the plan is solid: Use Saylor (who's the prettiest one, that looks like Vanessa) to illustrate the essential unfairness of Jenny's rule and cause an uprising, then install Saylor as the new Queen and go back to not caring about any of this shit. Eric mumbles darkly about "Phase II," wherein more bullshit will happen with stupid-looking purses.

Guess what Dan's talking about? His threesome. And guess who is listening because he is stoned? Nate Archibald. "Your ex-girlfriend that I'm in love with? Well, I'm totally in love with her." Nate's like, "Awesome, I vaguely recollect these people that we're talking about. Go for it bro!" He explains that Paul Hoffman, Vanessa's homosexual doddering old-man pretend-boyfriend, has nothing on Dan. Dan disagrees, because Paul Hoffman is a "handsome" guy, a sophomore like that matters in college, and has a lot in common with Vanessa. "He's a douche," Nate says. Which is the thing that he has in common with Vanessa.

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Gossip Girl

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