Nate explains that Dan needs to man up and go to war with Hoffman for Vanessa, or move on to a "palate cleanser." (Why Nate, you dirty boy!) Dan is amenable to either, as any sane person would be, but then Vanessa comes into the Bleecker with that Willa Weinstein (gross) to invite Dan to a "writer's retreat" (grosser) with a hot tub (grossest) and Paul Hoffman (mostest grossest). Dan turns them down because who wants to hot tub with Paul Hoffman besides dumb-ass Vanessa, but Nate tells him this is the perfect opportunity to do either of the things they just talked about.
Dan can go to war -- "You can box Paul out of the hot tub," Nate says, still trying to make fetch happen with that fucked-up phrase -- or get his palate cleansed by Willa. Nate unconvincingly discusses Willa's charms (cute; crazy because she's a drama major) and then fully yells Willa's name, pretending to be Dan for like the fiftieth time on this show. They're always being each other. Willa is all over it and talks with that concussed affectation of hers about something, I don't know what, and then Nate says in a strange burpy voice, "You're welcome." Nate Archibald is so great.
Holland Kemble, a hot and crazy lady, welcomes Rufus to the Fifth Wives' Club meeting, and in a little bit of writerly shorthand informs Rufus of several facts: His manhood means nothing, he is a trophy wife, everybody hates their husbands, Rufus has nothing to live for, everybody's husband is cheating on them, and Holland Kemble is a crazy person: "We all sacrifice our independence for love. At first it seems totally worth it. It's just later after you've given everything up that you realize you have nothing left to offer." She and Rufus join the table, where lots of faded flowers just like him remember the place their souls used to be, and try to fill that area with Prosecco.
(Did you ever think to yourself, "I would be the greatest trophy wife"? I think about this literally all the time. I mean, I have no shame and I have no real interests. I have my art of course, but that's a time-honored tradition among the secretly whores. My teeth are good, I love kids, I'm nice to wives, I don't spend a lot of money and I am way too fascinated by myself to blab much in the way of other people's dark secrets. I can barely get up the energy most days to react to, like, insults. Now taking applications. I would alternately enjoy being the plaything in a high-powered political family saga situation. This is one of the few ways, as we'll see, that Serena and I differ: She's got all that self-respect.)