Dan and Vanessa: They were Friends, then Friends With Benefits, then there were Zones, and now they are Lovers. Remember how we already knew that? Now they know too. So Dan's going to take Vanessa on a super romantic date that will: A) Acknowledge and allay her fears about their relationship? B) Prove the level of his commitment and excitement about their future, thereby eliminating the need for her insecurity? Or C) Be the same thing he's been saying all episode, which is that nothing needs to change because he says so, and Dan is always right because girls are just stupid, and then she'll offer to give him a blowjob and the problem will be solved?
The answer is C.
So Elizabeth drops by to see Chuck for no real reason, but she does feel like telling him that she already signed over the hotel, because she is an idiot, but then it gets murky because she gave Jack an ultimatum -- her or the hotel -- and he turned her down (lie) and also, she's not actually Chuck's mother (lie) so she's leaving town forever (hope to God). Poor Chuck's whole face unzips and his brain comes spilling out like the end of Manchurian Candidate as he realizes this whole storyline was absolutely pointless and he just did all those acting calisthenics for no reason. It's very sad.
Andy is the funny rapist at the rape club that Agnes knows about. So Nate shows up having located Jenny, punches some randos out, punches Andy out, tosses Jenny over his shoulder, and carries her all the way to PRADA. Upstairs, her main issue is hoping that Rufus doesn't notice how she's totally OD'd on pills and barely standing. As though she has not met her dad. Of course Rufus is like, "Young lady you're ten minutes late" or whatever, as she's rocking back and forth on her pins and looking like she's about to barf and fall asleep and die all at the same time, but she maintains and gets through it and tells him she loves him and they thank Nate and Nate tries to leave, but then forgets to.
S is so proud of B for finally telling Eleanor about the situation where she doesn't have a bunch of friends at NYU. Remember? That huge problem that only exists in this stupid episode? Right then, a bunch of cute girls from Columbia run up and slobber all over her, because they are old fans from the Gossip Girl days before whatever happened that time Serena declared war on GG, and Blair loves it! Attention! Adoration! She fixes somebody's headband, because headbands are the waffles of Blair, and again with the Louboutins, and now I guess she's going to transfer to Columbia. Which is such a good idea because school has always been such an important part of this show and I really like to know where everybody's matriculating and what their schedule is like for when we... Completely ignore all of those things.