Where Eric van der Woodsen is: Japan. What he is doing there: Japanese dudes. What part of that I made up: Zero. It is actually the truth, I could never think something like that up because Japan gives me the fuckin' creeps.

Okay, so the Sam Walton analogue of a Walmart analogue based in SLC is named Mr. Conwell. He sounds like somebody who would tie you to the traintracks if you can't pay the rent, but really he is just your usual closeted rich white man who legislates against his own interests because he has bought into the System and lives a hollow lie and has a wide stance. As you know, these men are like truffles to Blair's giant truffle-scenting pig. She takes down at least three a season, because she loves her dad and it's this whole thing. So why we're talking about him is that he is coming to see the show, because Eleanor is thinking about going low-market with her juniors selections. Blair pretends she doesn't even recognize the name of Conwell's, although Dorota is all over it; Blair was already ready to be grossed out just by Bloomingdale's but this is a whole new thing. Eleanor throws epigrams like Auntie Mame: "My dear, high-end has fallen on hard times!"

Blair's finally like, this is awesome, "Where Bristol Palin shops?" I know, right? There's only one store Bristol shopped at that I want to shop at, and that's... I failed to land this joke. I think I started off weird. I can't think of any sexy words having to do with shopping that I... Basically you can sketch in whatever details but the idea was to have a hilarious joke in here about having sex with Levi Johnston all over the place. And instead, meh. Eleanor's not got that problem, though: "Feed the masses, eat with the classes!" Eleanor is just straight up nuts now. She talks about her "usual crowd of uptown socialites and boho fashionistas" -- which who the fuck says that, in any context at all, or ever would -- and then she says she wants to have wholesome American girls, like the kind Walmart likes to pretend shop at Walmart. Like, apparently, Blair's friends from NYU. Thirty of them, in fact, so they can camouflage Eleanor's usual crowd of uptown socialites and boho fashionistas.