After two and a half years can I finally admit to you that I find Dorota annoying? Anyway, she's pregnant, she speaks in broken English, she makes a Metallica reference. It's all quite droll. But what's this? Blair has no friends! To whom will she turn? Is it possible that putting out word that a huge fashion show is happening and the girls from the dorm are totally welcome to attend would help? Is it possible that by martialling Serena's popularity and PR contacts, or Vanessa's endless vegetarian and homosexual hangers-on, she could scrounge up thirty people? No. No, clearly she needs to make sub rosa contact with the secret underground network of prostitutes that live in the NYU dorms and spend 300*30 = between nine and thirty grand on them, and then have thirty hookers infiltrate a Walmart sales pitch to save her mother's company. That's the ONLY POSSIBLE THING SHE CAN DO.
Elizabeth shows up and gets a bunch of yelling from Chuck, and then Jack jumps like out of her shadow or something and starts being all goatee in his face about how he's been played -- "From the very beginning!" -- and it's totally cheesy and dumb. Jack is moving into Chuck's suite. I can only assume he is going to retain possession of Nate Archibald as well. Actually, since the entire show now lives in this one apartment, it's not just Chuck getting evicted. But hey, since nobody who actually lives at Lily's lives at Lily's, maybe they can all crash there. I hear they got waffles.
Serena fake-smiles her way through a grindingly horrible conversation with Vanessa, "accidentally" pointing out how soul-crushingly boring it must be to date another version of your own horrible self. She's like, "With me and Nate it's so great because all we have to do is wait ten seconds and then the little plastic castle is once again a surprise!" She's like, "We wore ourselves out chasing balls around Central Park last week. I throw, he fetches, and then we really mix it up." She's like, "Sometimes we spin around until we fall down. Once I held my breath until I passed out! I saw stars!" She's like, "Have you tried having sex with all the food in the refrigerator yet? We're so jaded sexually, having just gotten out of high school ten minutes ago." By the end of this whole ordeal, Vanessa is convinced that she and Dan are the ruttiest rutters who ever backed down from a fight. Hello, she can't even play the threesome card because Serena's threesome included a MURDER.