Okay, so Elizabeth Fisher was in on the Jack plot not because he had anything on her, but because she was in love with him: Lame. After Chuck whines at her for awhile, she rethinks and gives Jack an ultimatum, thinking he'll just hand the Empire back to Chuck: Lame. Nate and Serena do another dumb plan that's not even worth talking about. She decides in the end to recapitulate history by leaving Jack even though he's into her (I think this is what happened, it went quite quickly) and once again saying she's not Chuck's mother... Even though she totally is!
Exhilarating to sit through, but mostly a relief this part of the story's over. I was getting whiplash from all the "is she/isn't she." And it still doesn't explain Bart's behavior for Chuck's entire life, or why the bitch was crying on that grave or what her point even is, but whatever: With Jack in possession of the Empire and Chuck and Blair coming like a speeding truck headed directly for his face, we should have some fun with the next bit. Or at least not the constant recycling of old storylines with different characters that we've been doing since the hiatus.
Serena accidentally undermines Dan and Vanessa's relationship in a wicked yucky conversation over waffles about how to keep the romance alive by not falling into a rut. Immediately Mr. and Mrs. Rut are like, "We'd better act totally weird and do whatever Serena says," which I guess involves dressing up like Rear Window and making Vanessa's hair look presentable for once. Vanessa sucks out loud some more -- it's good to be home -- and they decide that suckiness is easier, so they crawl into her dorm bed and eat cabbage like the pointless fuckheads they are.
Rufus, brilliantly, gets Jenny a job working on Eleanor's fashion show, since she no longer responds to waffles or food of any kind. She brightens right up and starts dressing like a sea creature again, just in time for Agnes to show up and roofie her, then take her to some rape club where the rapists hang out. Nate uses spy technology to locate her, takes her home with no ill effects, she gets her old job back with Eleanor (because hey, she's 16 now and clearly won't flake out) and decides that she wants Nate again.
Speaking of whores, Blair doesn't have any friends so she hires Brandeis and 30 hooker friends to go to Eleanor's fashion show: Dumb (but an awesome callback to the Yigal Azrouël thing, which I only even know about because he's my favorite designer and it tangentially involved Kelly Cutrone). Eleanor is thinking of starting a diversion line with a Utah Mormon version of Walmart: Dumb. The conservative, family man head of the company -- are you seeing where I'm headed? -- freaks out, not because of the 30 working girls, but because, awesome, his usual NYC rent boy is there.
So Blair blackmails him into signing back on, but Eleanor ultimately gives up the idea once he starts talking about the hemlines and changing the label to reflect and inspire a poorer, more ignorant America. This bout of thineownselfitude inspires Blair to admit how unpopular she is at NYU, which Eleanor doesn't even care about; some tragic Columbia girls attack her at the show and she realizes she belongs at Columbia, where the awesomest people end up.
Check out the Gossip Girl pun index.
Everybody's doing fashion things.... At Eleanor's house? For real? With like Vampire Weekend playing. Doesn't she have her own atelier? Isn't that, in fact, how I learned the word "atelier"? Well anyway, Jenny looks nuts and probably that is because she is with Rufus Humphrey, who is talking about waffles and refusing to make brunch. This is to prove that he still has the sack despite slinking back to the UES after running away from home for all of two seconds. One instance of which, remember, he only ran away from the Penthouse. Didn't even leave the building.
Anyway, he just keeps saying "waffles waffles waffles" and Jenny's like, "I'm grounded! That means I can't go places with you!" and Rufus is all, "I still have no idea what 'grounded' really means so this week you're 'grounded' by going back to work at that place you worked at that time where you got convinced that you should get your GED in Fashion and we had that fight and I punished you by making you be homeless? And Daddy Warbuckses didn't grow on trees at least not trees that grew in Brooklyn?" Because waffles, just like all food, do not make Jenny happy. The only things that make Jenny happy are drug dealers, Nate, and fashion. So now we're going to Eleanor's, which even destructoid Jenny knows is a terrible idea.
Plus, Rufus goes, "I was talking to Serena, and she said that Eleanor is having something called a 'pop-up fashion show' for her new junior line." Rufus Humphrey saying that sentence is a host of problems. Inside, there are sketches and models and those same shots from a second ago, and Rufus smarming, and Jenny's like, "Oh right! FASHION!" And her heart grows three sizes so in order to maintain her found-in-the-forest-by-the-interstate look of lifelessness, she has to quickly put on three more coats of Maybelline's Laura Palmer Collection. I love how in Jenny's head Fashion = Looking Dead.
Blair is looking adorable and ancient in a frilly layered mess of an outfit, and talking stupid. "There's something about waking up on the day of a fashion show," she says breezily. "The smell of fresh pleats wafting through the city..." What the fuck do "fresh pleats" smell like? That steam fragrance? I hate it when Blair's talking goes like this. Anyway, she wants Chuck to come with her and smell pleats and have breakfast with Eleanor, but he can't, because he's having breakfast with his new mother. He smiles some more, and it's cute some more, and the great thing about his plan is how it doesn't involve eating breakfast with the person who gave you a raging eating disorder.