Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Old Ultraviolence

"You whore and a half!" Blair says to Brandeis, which I don't even know what that means, and then yells at her for not keeping it in her pants. Brandeis goes, "I didn't cruise Mr. Conwell," and explains that actually it's rentboy Julian that is Mr. Walmart's standing reservation. Brandeis apologizes for how nobody thought there would be clients at this soiree -- Because who on earth in the fashion industry would be shallow enough and have enough disposable income to buy Congress-level tail? Besides like everyone in the fashion industry? -- but now that Blair knows that Mr. Walmart is in her Gay Daddy's Gay Daddy Club, she apologizes for her rudeness to the whore and a half and runs off to blackmail him to death.

In a similar plot, Nate and Serena are standing around outside Uncle Jack's limo, where he is chilling with some hookers, and they're about to photograph them so they can show the pictures to Elizabeth and then she'll sign the hotel over to Chuck again, but they have to be smart and quick about it because they only have one shot. And before you ask, no, I'm not psychic. The reason I know all of this is the laborious fucking conversation Serena and Nate just had about all this information, as yet again they explain the plot to each other in the smallest words possible. I could get used to this. But oh, Nate and Serena Plan, once again you are wrong! Uncle Jack isn't having sex with the hookers, he's discussing sustainable energy with them! Wily!

I can't believe this episode is still happening. So once again their plans have been smashed by plot contrivances even stupider than their stupid plans, but Nate stares into space just long enough that Agnes, the deeply woozy Little J, and a whole passel of fashion bitches wander into his field of vision. Agnes tosses Little J into a taxi like a ragdoll so they can go get her raped, and the entire gaggle of girls gets into the car with them, and it takes juuuuust long enough that the synapses fire in his brain just as they're driving away and he realizes he recognizes Jenny Humphrey from all those times she's made him be in her storylines out of sheer willpower.

Meanwhile Gossip Girl, who in an episode this dumb we knew was automatically going to be saying stupid shit, goes, "Uh-oh! Looks like somebody better call the fashion police!" if that tells you anything about the tenor of her rhetoric this week.

"Is this where the bachelor party is?" Agnes asks the usual crowd of uptown socialites and boho fashionistas, and the bachelors hoot and holler and squeeze each other's delts and bump fists and chests and go aooooga and stick out their tongues and make v's with their fingers and then lick the cleft between their fingers and then mime masturbation on themselves and each other and finally Agnes just throws Little J into the general mass of them and tells them to rape her to death and then... Totally peaces. I can't believe that was her plan! What a mean plan!

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Gossip Girl




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