Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Old Ultraviolence

So Mr. Walmart has been successfully blackmailed. Except he wants to move the hemlines down and the necklines up and to flatter the countenance and to change the name of the line because wearing "Eleanor Waldorf" sounds like you know how to fucking read, and that's uppity and not "real." He actually does say the word "uppity." And instead of suggesting that his entire inbred hick company either learn to read or kill themselves for the good of the world, Eleanor just says she's not interested in doing business with his white trash company after all. "Manhattan is an island in more ways than one. What works for you and yours doesn't necessarily translate to me and mine." Uh huh. Time was, I used to feel guilty about that. Now I'm just proud of it.

So things get really dumb and Blair is like, "You were so brave to tell Mr. Walmart to go back to being trash and get the hell off your island that I want to be brave too and tell you that I don't have any friends, because I'm harsh and off-putting and don't really have a personality this season." Eleanor could give a fuck, obviously, and feels sorry as usual for the spazzing of her daughter, and for some reason even laughs off the whole part about the prostitutes like it's just some kind of funny sitcom situation, which it basically is, and she says that Waldorf Women are special because they don't fit in everywhere, and Blair says she doesn't fit in anywhere, and Eleanor says not to worry about it, because the thing with Eleanor has always been that she's really cool about this stuff while being really uncool about things that usually go along with this stuff, but I'm not going to think about it overmuch because this episode bloooows.

Turns out none of the bachelors are man enough to rape the sixteen-year-old girl barfing on the couch of the night club, except for this one guy. And the other guys are like, "Don't you do it! Don't you rape that child!" and he's like, "Okay I won't, but just kidding!" And they're like, "You scamp! But seriously don't! But we're going to leave you alone with her even though you've just threatened to attack her like five times!" And he's like, "Don't worry about it!" While this is going on, Nate is using foursquare to find Jenny, because apparently they are both serious dorks.

Dan and Vanessa: They were Friends, then Friends With Benefits, then there were Zones, and now they are Lovers. Remember how we already knew that? Now they know too. So Dan's going to take Vanessa on a super romantic date that will: A) Acknowledge and allay her fears about their relationship? B) Prove the level of his commitment and excitement about their future, thereby eliminating the need for her insecurity? Or C) Be the same thing he's been saying all episode, which is that nothing needs to change because he says so, and Dan is always right because girls are just stupid, and then she'll offer to give him a blowjob and the problem will be solved?

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Gossip Girl

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