Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Old Ultraviolence

The answer is C.

So Elizabeth drops by to see Chuck for no real reason, but she does feel like telling him that she already signed over the hotel, because she is an idiot, but then it gets murky because she gave Jack an ultimatum -- her or the hotel -- and he turned her down (lie) and also, she's not actually Chuck's mother (lie) so she's leaving town forever (hope to God). Poor Chuck's whole face unzips and his brain comes spilling out like the end of Manchurian Candidate as he realizes this whole storyline was absolutely pointless and he just did all those acting calisthenics for no reason. It's very sad.

Andy is the funny rapist at the rape club that Agnes knows about. So Nate shows up having located Jenny, punches some randos out, punches Andy out, tosses Jenny over his shoulder, and carries her all the way to PRADA. Upstairs, her main issue is hoping that Rufus doesn't notice how she's totally OD'd on pills and barely standing. As though she has not met her dad. Of course Rufus is like, "Young lady you're ten minutes late" or whatever, as she's rocking back and forth on her pins and looking like she's about to barf and fall asleep and die all at the same time, but she maintains and gets through it and tells him she loves him and they thank Nate and Nate tries to leave, but then forgets to.

S is so proud of B for finally telling Eleanor about the situation where she doesn't have a bunch of friends at NYU. Remember? That huge problem that only exists in this stupid episode? Right then, a bunch of cute girls from Columbia run up and slobber all over her, because they are old fans from the Gossip Girl days before whatever happened that time Serena declared war on GG, and Blair loves it! Attention! Adoration! She fixes somebody's headband, because headbands are the waffles of Blair, and again with the Louboutins, and now I guess she's going to transfer to Columbia. Which is such a good idea because school has always been such an important part of this show and I really like to know where everybody's matriculating and what their schedule is like for when we... Completely ignore all of those things.

Nate brings Jenny her purse and the most effective scene in the entire episode happens. She's staring at the floor on the edge of her bed looking like the ghost of a tragedy and you can't even see her face and she goes, "What's wrong with me?" Like, everything. Nate goes full-on sweet big brother (not like related, more like in the Greek system) and tells her she's going to be fine because look at him: Once he was a hooker and now he's dating Serena van der Woodsen. Jenny starts to slide into depression but then she gets a text from Eleanor offering her a job despite the fact that she is sixteen years of age and was drunk and high and gave all the models pills at the pop-up fashion show. And Nate's like, of course he understands how all the angst and drama just melts away in the face of ADD. They hug, and Jenny remembers how she wants to bone him, and somewhere Serena shivers and doesn't know why. Girl, you need to increase your life insurance coverage or run away with Carter again or something, because Jenny will burn down the Palace Hotel with you in it.

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Gossip Girl

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