Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Old Ultraviolence

Blair's proud of Chuck for "opening up" to Elizabeth, and he loves how they trust each other, and how great she's doing "at the helm of the mighty Empire," as Blair says, and they talk about how they're going to have a perfect day, so of course right then eleven security guards show up like the Matrix. Blair loves them because she thinks of them as a private army, but once she's gone they get all flying monkey on Chuck about how he needs to vacate because Elizabeth is having him thrown out. Oh, there's that other shoe! If either Chuck or Blair were actually allowed to be happy for the length of an entire scene, the whole universe would shift out of whack and Serena would get a blemish and Nate would suddenly learn to read. Nobody wants that.

Over at Haus of Waldorf, which is actually her house, which still is pointless, Eleanor reminds us that she's a bitch. "My, look who's risen from the dead!" she cackles at Jenny, who's still dumb enough not to know what a total rank that was on her. She gives Eleanor some earnest goddamn Humphrey speech about how she promises not to run off with a model and get emancipated and set things on fire and have fashion shows on tables or whatever the fuck... Hey, didn't Eleanor like totally screw her last time and pretend those were her garments or something? Well, I'm okay with blaming Jenny if Eleanor's okay with blaming Jenny.

"Well, despite our troubled past, as I told your father, I am a firm believer in second chances. So I even rehired your friend!" Oh yeah, that would be Agnes. She shows up looking luxe and crazy as usual, and Jenny's all awkward and dead-looking, and Agnes lies and says she's got ninety days in AA, and Jenny opens and closes her mouth several times until finally Eleanor has to yell her name to snap her out of it. But like, Agnes got her revenge by setting fire to some dresses. And like, her Mom even got involved, right? How kickass is she really? How much of a supervillain could she possibly be? But the answer to that is, You have no idea. I think in this episode Agnes does the worst single thing anybody ever did on this show. Worse than when Carter Baizen took Nate to that poker game. Worse, even, than when Blair invited Rachel Carr to the opera. Certainly way worse than the infamous time Chuck Bass raped zero people.

Dan and Vanessa are back to being vomitous. I didn't think it would take this long to hate them again so in a way it's like coming home. Where they are doing it is in a hallway. What they are doing is getting queer about how they're going to finally blow everybody's minds with their affair and how they've turned Friends into Lovers and melded all the Zones into one sticky free-for-all. What is actually going to happen is that nobody is going to care -- except for maybe Rufus, for one gross reason or another -- and that Serena and Nate are going to laugh their asses off about it in private and talk about how Dan and Vanessa are the JV of them in all ways. Why this non-reaction will happen is that Dan and Vanessa are only interesting to Dan and Vanessa, but even for them -- as we shall see -- it's sort of a chore to care. But guess what? Serena can "read" Nate's "mind" so she already knows that Friends have become Lovers, and she thinks it's... Stupid, but also great, but also sort of inevitably tragic. Rufus goes, "Speaking for everyone else, I think it's great." I hate his ass so much. And then they go eat a bunch of fucking waffles.

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Gossip Girl

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