Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Old Ultraviolence

Elizabeth shows up and gets a bunch of yelling from Chuck, and then Jack jumps like out of her shadow or something and starts being all goatee in his face about how he's been played -- "From the very beginning!" -- and it's totally cheesy and dumb. Jack is moving into Chuck's suite. I can only assume he is going to retain possession of Nate Archibald as well. Actually, since the entire show now lives in this one apartment, it's not just Chuck getting evicted. But hey, since nobody who actually lives at Lily's lives at Lily's, maybe they can all crash there. I hear they got waffles.

Serena fake-smiles her way through a grindingly horrible conversation with Vanessa, "accidentally" pointing out how soul-crushingly boring it must be to date another version of your own horrible self. She's like, "With me and Nate it's so great because all we have to do is wait ten seconds and then the little plastic castle is once again a surprise!" She's like, "We wore ourselves out chasing balls around Central Park last week. I throw, he fetches, and then we really mix it up." She's like, "Sometimes we spin around until we fall down. Once I held my breath until I passed out! I saw stars!" She's like, "Have you tried having sex with all the food in the refrigerator yet? We're so jaded sexually, having just gotten out of high school ten minutes ago." By the end of this whole ordeal, Vanessa is convinced that she and Dan are the ruttiest rutters who ever backed down from a fight. Hello, she can't even play the threesome card because Serena's threesome included a MURDER.

Vanessa's like, "We try new things all the time!" But she can't think of any, because they don't except whatever's playing at the fuckin' Angelika and that's not up to them. Serena invites them to the pop-up fashion show and Dan's buzzkill boner pops up and his cute little face pops up and he nixes that idea for no reason, and then Vanessa's like, "No, it's exotic and fucked up!" And Dan's like, "No, it's lame. Lame like us." And Vanessa feels a feeling she hasn't felt since Serena beat her at Guitar Hero back when our hearts were still unbroken. And she realizes she needs to get freaky-deaky, or else... I'm not sure what. She's scared of something but I don't know what. Last week they were like, "It's like we're married! I have settled!" And this week Vanessa's like, "We have to bring the romance back!" I'm not sure what she thinks will happen if they don't. She'll notice that she's dating Dan Humphrey? That's a waking nightmare, true. And if she doesn't distract him with her kooky plans he might notice her hair.

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Gossip Girl

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