Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Old Ultraviolence

Serena laughs at Nate's confusion because obviously Blair doesn't have any friends, but where Nate seems honestly interested in finding out what she means, Serena could care less because obviously it's going to be nuts and hilarious. Meanwhile, Dorota is annoying some more and negotiates thirty whores with Brandeis while standing in the middle of the hallway at NYU. Brandeis is like, "No prob!"

Even though they're inside somebody's house, Agnes offers to "watch" Jenny's "stuff" while she does fashion tasks, and Jenny doesn't find that questionable at all, so when the other evil fashion girl hides behind a rack of fashion and wocka-wockas her shoulders at Agnes and they do a whole heist caper routine with their eyebrows and then Agnes does the shifty eyes and yanks the pills out of Jenny's purse and even goes, "Like taking candy from a baby!" you can't even feel sorry for Jenny, because Agnes is nuts and can only drink Vitamin Water and destroy things. That's her whole personality. She will burn your creative garments and get you drunk with sketchy photographers and make you do lesbian bra dances. That's what she's got to offer. "Watch my purse" is not on that list.

Blair reiterates for the Blondie Twins that they need to leave Chuck alone and just look pretty, and then they spot Brandeis. So first Serena goes, "How's Congressman Wade?" Which is dumb, because hello, you were just whoring it up with a senator like last week. So not a burn. What Brandeis says is gross -- "He's polling very well these days" -- but what I would have said is, "Well, he hasn't smashed my face in during any car crashes or left me to the literal wolves lately, so that's going all right. How is dating your married boyfriend's gay younger cousin?" Brandeis gets in one more attempt at repartee ("Got it, Blair. We're closed for businessmen") and runs off to be with her hos. Serena points out how stupid this whole thing is, and Blair huffs off all, "Prostitutes are people, too. And they have a lot of disposable income!" Well, now that you mention it, this storyline isn't completely retarded. You've got me there.

Vanessa looks really pretty dressed as Rear Window. Dan apparently went home to the loft and fell asleep with a band of light precisely across his eyes, like Anjelica Huston in The Addams Family and just took a little nap right there, as though he knew shit was about to get noir. (Why, for real, would you put this much effort in? I mean, he's already at that stage you want your boyfriend: Broken in. Broken period. Like, romantically unambitious. Willing to leave you alone so you can do your stuff. Not making you listen to dumb bands or read some comic book or watch him play a video game or go outside in nature with his stoner friends. Perfectly devoid of romantic aspirations. Ready to be a team, not an event.) She calls him "Daniel" and she's wearing gloves and huge fake eyelashes and Florence + The Machine is playing and she whispers all kittenish and... I don't know, this just looks like a different kind of rut. A super sad one. Kathy Bates in a dress made of Saran Wrap.

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Gossip Girl

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