PIED-A-BLAIR

From outside their weird little private secret apartment, Dan calls Chuck to tell him there's nothing fishy going on. Chuck, who is standing literally three feet away, tells him to call off the dogs then. Dan nods -- well done, spymaster -- and goes back inside, while Chuck leisurely hangs out on the street corner to call the Prince of Monaco and tell him that Blair and Dan are doing who knows what and lying about it.

WALDORF/BOYS

Serena: "Hey, Louis and Chuck! It's not notable that you two are hanging out together, especially without Blair."
Chuck, verbatim: "I came to tell Louis he was right. Blair is having an affair... With your ex! I'm referring to Dan, not the myriad of men since."

They talk about how Dan is lying to everybody, like usual, and Blair is lying to everybody, like usual, and maybe Blair and Dan are in love, which they obviously are, and then everybody yells at everybody else for being sneaky and spying on Blair. Serena looks at pictures of Dan and Blair entering their secret love den while holding hands, and such is her delusion that she is just like, "This proof means nothing." I'm holding onto the idea that both Blair and Serena have to pretend Dair isn't happening because if it does, the whole universe comes apart as far as they're both concerned. I just really like that.

Somehow, Serena turns this into an opportunity to give another speech on how amazing she is and how she refuses to be the new Gossip Girl and how knowing facts about people destroys innocent lives and whatever. Finally she's so exercised about it that she shoves her computer at Chuck and Louis and runs off yelling at them, with her hands over her head, about random things.

PRADA

Bart's and Chuck's and everybody's private detective, Andrew Whatever, calls while Lily's upstairs doing whatever she does up there for months at a time. I love how this same group of like six people is constantly siccing the exact same private detective on each other, like, how amazing must he be at disguises?

Rufus: "Oh, you can't tell me why you're calling Lily? I hope it's not about tracking down Cousin Peepers, because that will make me really mad for reasons that are as nonexistent as they are irritating."