Serena: "...So you feel like you have magic powers over life and death, basically."
Blair: "I always had those, silly. It's just that now I have a contract hit out on him. If ever I run off with him again, God will send wolves or paparazzi or slow-moving taxicabs to kill him. And that'll be my fault."
Serena: "Bitch, seriously I think you're having some kind of PTSD. These are not normal thoughts. This is... We need to get you some help."
Blair: "The only help I need is Jesus. Assassin Jesus, the holy hit man of heaven, who will come kill Chuck whenever I decide."
Serena: "Maybe it's just that you've been such an asshole to God so many times that this is his way of getting back at you. I can see that, but that's the only way God enters into this."
Blair: "Dan understands and supports me in my psychosis."
Serena: "We could all have t-shirts made that say that. Doesn't make you right. Meanwhile, both of your boyfriends think you're sleeping with Dan."
Blair: "I can bear the shame of that."
Serena: "Okay but like this whole thing is about you getting married to Louis, so it's not really about whether it's okay for Louis to think that."
Blair: "Please, like he even cares about that. This week."
Nate: "Chuck and Louis, I am mad at you guys. Thank God my assistant didn't believe you were doing 'Monegasque business.'"
Serena: "Everybody, I have an announcement! The reason Dan and Blair have been seen embracing and going into strange apartments alone together is because... I am secretly dating Dan Humphrey."
Nate, I can see him buying that. Louis, whether or not he believed her we'd never know because he would just talk like he was choking on his own viscera, and it doesn't matter anyway because soon, he actually will be. This doesn't make any sense whatsoever, and yet they all chill down? It's so hard to care about any of this.
Nate: "Well, I'm back to being mad at you."
Dan: "Sorry we lied to everybody about our secret relationship and staged elaborate scenes with crazy Blair that involved her vanishing in the middle of the night and going to strange secret tunnel apartments. It was a Serena Plan that got out of hand, I guess."
Everybody: "Oh my God, you're the worst. Whatever."
Serena & Dan: "Okay, now we both know the real deal, and it's that Blair's brain -- never really a paragon of mental health -- has completely shit the bed. And we're cool with that. And we're going to continue to pretend to be in a relationship for some reason. And I'm going to kiss you at midnight. This is how we're playing this."