The Butler of Beaton looks down at Vanessa as though she is something that came out of the drain. Close enough. Vanessa asks to leave the envelope for her, and while the Butler wonders if it's possible to disinfect random envelopes without destroying the anthrax inside, the phone rings. He finally rolls his eyes and goes to answer the phone, and Vanessa leaves the envelope on a sideboard, feeling fantastic about herself. But just as she's turning to leave, she hears a giggle: it's Catherine. And somebody else! A man! In the library! Just like that tart Keira Knightley! She grabs the check to take it to the Bitchess directly, but the tenor of the sounds are such that she realizes something tarty is going on. Since it's Vanessa, she creepies up to the door with her camera at the ready. Inside, Catherine is kissing a fella. Who is it? The camera ZOOMS in on Vanessa's face like she's about to have a psychotic break, and things get jumpcutty as we realize that Catherine and Lord Marcus, her SON, are totally FUCKING. They mess with each other's shirt buttons and make out and -- having found that elusive fire within, in a very British place -- he flips her around to make out with her from behind, and whatever, it's hot. I'm not going to lie. And there's effing Vanessa Abrams, snapping away, pretending to be scandalized.

Dan stands around gawkily, waiting for his lunch date, who apparently didn't see fit to let him know she was breaking their date so the Plastics could mug her. I wouldn't put it past B to make one of them destroy her phone for just this eventuality -- but then, none of this is real anyway. See: Chuck walks up immediately to fill Dan in on what's going on with these people neither of them are involved with at the moment. "She met some new friends. They extended an invitation to her for lunch. Hockey sticks were involved. You know how persuasive our girls can be." Dan buys that, but still can't figure out why.