Over the usual NYC shots and scenes, the dulcet tones of Gossip Girl wake us to a new nightmare: "Welcome to the first day of senior year and the onset of a new social dynasty. The big question is, with Serena single and on top of the world, will Constance become the house of van der Woodsen?" OMG yes. Over a breakfast of a thousand room service platters, Serena's laughing about Lily's success in getting Bart Bass to wear flip-flops on their honeymoon. Lily (!) admits that it was in fact adorable: "Every time we'd go for a walk on the beach I'd catch him staring down at his feet." Okay, that's pretty cute. I'm so glad Bart's not a cardboard cutout. As yet another plate appears on the table, Eric wonders if they're expecting more people -- like the entire defensive line of a football team, for example. Lily laughs at herself and explains that her version of motherhood involves over-ordering room service on the first day of school. Lily's parenting is like Vanessa's social skills: the spoils of homeschooling.
Serena changes the subject from her mother's painful lack of parenting skills to her late-night return, bemoaning the fact that she didn't immediately wake Serena on her return. "I feel cheated!" Chuck appears -- and I guess the good-boy hair is here to stay, which is fantastic -- and notes that whenever he does it, she feels violated. He turns to welcome Lily home, and Serena interrupts to tell him that if he dares call Lily "mom," she's going to kill him when next he sleeps. I bet that would make you feel super violated.
"Decaf, Serena. I was going to say 'Mrs. Bass.'" Lily thanks him and explains that Bart's in Beijing, but sends his best. "As he has done since kindergarten," Chuck emotes. Serena, who could give less of a fuck about Chuck's drama, or anybody's really, physically shoves him out of the way -- albeit lovingly -- and tries to get her mom back on track with the romantic details of her honeymoon. Which are not only none of Serena's beeswax, but also not something she should be asking her mother about. It soon becomes clear, however, that she's grasping at straws: "I could stay home, and then we could go to lunch together..."
Lily's flummoxed at this offer, given that it's the first day of school, but Chuck explains deftly about S's breakup with Dan: "Tragic, if not entirely unprecedented." Heh. Serena looks down at her plate, remembering to be sad about it, and Chuck congratulates his sister on her freedom: "Not without an upside: Humphrey was holding you back. You're a born queen!" He pats her wrist fraternally: "This is your year to rule. Why fight it?" Serena's not interested, she says, because being queen is Blair's whole thing, but what she means is that she's never had to work for a damn thing in her life and she's not interested in starting now.