Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Cansei de Ser Stupid

Blair sits on a couch in a pretty flowery dress, hair pulled to the side. She looks adorable. Vanessa towers over her, apologizing and over-explaining: "I'm so sorry Blair but like I said Catherine knows where the Captain is and she threatened to expose him if I ever took Nate away from her but with this I was hoping that you might..." B finally shuts her up, speaking sharply through a swollen throat: "-- Who else knows?" V doesn't get it immediately, and B spits: "Who's seen this?" Shaken, Vanessa tells her she's only showed it to Dan. Vanessa, you're beside the point now. Get out. You're done. Blair sends the pictures to herself (and it says "Blair's Phone," like they have each other's names and numbers saved, maybe in case Nate gets lost or something). "If you or Humphrey ever breathe a word of this... One word. To anyone. You'll regret it for the rest of your lives. Do you understand?" Vanessa nods, saying she doesn't particularly want anybody to know any of these sordid details, she just wants Nate okay. Blair stands up, bereft, and promises to take care of it. She sounds like a ghost. Vanessa, unable to pass up the chance to be obnoxious and rude just one more time, is like, "I'm trusting you, Blair." Like you fucking have a choice, Blair points out, and V acts all sympathetic for a second before Blair chases her out of the apartment with only her eyes. Once she's gone, Blair crumbles. If she's not the Princess anymore, who is she?

Dan, Amanda and Amanda's irritating breasts enter some bar where Dan is uncomfortable because ... God knows. It's not under a bridge and they don't play pool there. Amanda points out that "everybody" comes here, which for a normal person would be a value-free or positive statement, but because Dan is better than everybody that ever existed, this is not the place for him. "Dan, it's time to send a message," she says, dragging Dan into the bar. And that message would be? "Fuck my rich girlfriend, I'm dating a butterface before the body's in the ground."

Penelope spots them, and nudges Iz, who immediately warns P to step off her lump crab before noticing the tragic duo that just walked in. "What Dan Humphrey does with the other serfs in the village is his business," says GG, which is exactly perfect, "But when he brings his new maiden to court, it's a declaration of war. Sound the trumpets, strumpets!" Penelope and Isabel shoot amazing bitch grin lasers at the gruesome twosome, and hit SEND.

Next morning, Jenny's looking totally gorgeous as she beats Dan about the head and face with a very heavy pillow, shrieking at his sleeping form. "What were you thinking?" (I was about to say that this is the fourth episode in a row where Jenny's smarter than everybody else and I should stop talking about how dumb she is, but then I remembered the rest of the episode. Still a Humphrey.) Dan's like, "I was ... sleeping?" Um, no. "I was talking about you and Little Miss Hannah Montana on Gossip Girl." (Kind of dated, but I do see a resemblance, in that Hannah and her various personalities are the only things I can think of on earth quite as instantly and automatically gross as Rachel Ray.)

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Gossip Girl

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