Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Cansei de Ser Stupid

At the threesome date, Dan and Amanda are being obnoxiously literary, and Serena's actually laying herself down and asking questions about their conversation so that worthless Amanda can say snotty shit like, "Rainer Maria Rilke? Letters To A Young Poet?" Serena's attitude is pitch-perfect throughout, just this extremely wonderful indulgent grin and slight eyebrow raise that manages to perfectly express both A) "Do go on, troll, because your shelf life is dwindling by the second," and B) "Well, why don't I just go fuck myself then?" It's a thing of beauty. Dan jumps on the "Serena is a retard" train about how he gave her a Rilke volume, but she never read it, and they keep crawling up each other's asses until S is like, "Oh hey, you know what? I'm going to the bar. You have bored me back into alcoholism." Dan barely notices, because he thinks he's winning.

The bartender asks if she wants another soda, and she's like, we are well past that point. "Belvedere martini, two olives. Please." I love that her call brand is Belvedere, like, none of this Grey Goose Avril Lavigne shit for me, I've been drinking Belvedere since that Canadian child was born. Penelope asks if she's okay ("I will be!") and introduces her to the captain of the Dalton lacrosse team, Jenns. (So I assume that he was at the big gay Madras party, then, being on Dalton's lacrosse team, and thus has met not only Serena but also her gay brother Eric, her gay brother's buddy Jenny, and the rest of the entire cast, including creepy little missing Elise, but whatever.)

"Even the most chivalrous knight is not above a little romantic retaliation," says GG, as Dan continues to laugh hollowly at whatever bullshit the ugly girl is saying. "It turns out Lonelyboy is a worthy opponent, and it's time for S to bring in the cavalry." A word which, divorced of its martial connotations, would seem here to be defined as some kind of... erotic brain hemorrhage. Serena flips her hair around maniacally, fellates her martini glass, shifts her eyes around like she's about to do a one-woman bank heist, and generally acts like she just remembered she was in a softcore on the Lifetime Movie Network. The greatest of all networks. She takes a moment to make sure that Dan is either watching or giving her tacit permission by continuing to be a cocksucker, and then redoubles her efforts to look like she's having a sexy psychotic break. And what's great about Serena is: still hot.

Jenns is sitting in the booth with them, telling some dumb lacrosse play-by-play story to Serena's barely-interested drunken exclamations, which finally drives Dan to make some half-assed snarky remark about how boring Jenns is. Dan does not understand the purpose of Jenns, either in this situation or ever, if he thinks "interesting" is on the list of things Jenns needs to be. "Dan's not a big sports fan," Serena says, slipping a dig at his masculinity in the one place he can't protest, because manly or not he's better than sports. Brilliant!

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Gossip Girl

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