Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Cansei de Ser Stupid

"Plus, if she needs a eunuch, she knows where to look," Serena says, which if this show were a mystery story -- which it kind of is, especially this week -- would be a whole clue. Chuck is impotent because he's in love with Blair, which is two things he's not allowed to be. The only person who knows about both of these things is Serena. The reason that he can't have Blair is because she's in Princess Mode at home and Queen Mode at school, which means all the curious holes in her heart are being filled by the things that make her self-sufficient -- which means that she's winning on both the social and personal fronts, not to mention there's no chance of him getting her back while she's whole. And the only person who can take away at least one of these things is Serena. So nobody has even eaten breakfast yet, and Chuck's already appointed himself Chairman of the Committee to Re-Elect Serena van der Woodsen for Queen Bee:

"You may feel differently when the trumpets call," he tells the Once & Future Queen, and points at Eric, who [joke redacted; too easy]. "Grab the OJ. There's champagne in the limo." Lily stares and makes a hilarious sound at Eric, who swears he's kidding, then revises that statement as he scrambles to follow: "I think." Serena giggles, because she loves her brothers and the way they have created this unshakeable alliance as much as we do.

"Well, so you broke up. I didn't even know you two were back together..." Serena doesn't bother explaining how they never really broke up or got together, and yet managed to do both about a trillion times, and worries that seeing him every day will be hard. Rock-hard cheekbones and ass included, I still find him difficult to deal with even once a week, Serena. We feel you. Lily offers that it's easier every day, and she should know, because she spent four months thinking about Rufus Humphrey and by the end of it can only manage a half-hearted attempt at stalking him.

Speaking of, Rufus is trying his even-worse-version of parenting on Dan, telling him that "of course" it will be fine. "I mean, we broke up amicably. No one cheated. No one screamed," Dan says. All in good time, Lonelyboy. (Also: you cheated. That was you that did that.) Rufus and Dan, because they aren't people and don't know any, attempt to work up a half-humorous but mostly sincere rubric for custody of the school: "Like she gets the courtyard Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and I get supervised visits with the library every other weekend..." That's some Humphrey humor at its best, right there. Of course, what Rufus and his bitch wife know about custody or marriage wouldn't fill one of Rufus or Dan's cute little dimples, so ...Rufus offers some wisdom he heard on Lovelines or, knowing Humphrey men, Oprah. "You know, be honest with where you're both at. Just do that, okay?" I'm not saying it's bad advice, but I think better advice at this point in the game would be to walk before you run, because as any Upper East Sider can tell you, you have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with anybody else -- which hardly anybody on this show has accomplished anyway -- or else you're just using them as a sounding board for your own propaganda, which is all Dan and Serena ever do to each other anyway. Mainly about what good people they are.

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Gossip Girl




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