Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Cansei de Ser Stupid

Dumb: Penelope and Isabel menace Jenny by calling her purse a dumpster find and then throwing her stuff on the floor. Even Jenny's like, "I don't know jack about shit, but I'm fairly certain that was lame." Penelope actually manages to flip that on her somehow -- "Our methods may lack imagination, but they're very effective. Especially over a long period of time." -- I guess because it's a truth stated truthfully, like, this is actually how Mean Girls operate, except for the greatest among us, who actually have creativity and intelligence as well as that dull Plastic malice between the eyes. Bitches out! Jenny tosses stuff in her purse, and then is like, Fuck this. She grabs everything from her locker and heads back to the atelier.

Dan leaves some lame voicemail for "Amanda," including a nod to the possibility that maybe being a total dickhole for the 395th day in a row to a woman with unimaginable resources, a lifetime of experience coming out on top and making things realllllly easy for herself, and a drinking problem was maybe ill-advised. He's almost apologetic, albeit too late and to the wrong person... who does not even exist.

"Amanda" sits with Chuck, dressed ten times worse than Vanessa, getting paid for her services and eating French fries! I didn't see it coming! It was so obvious! But Chuck acts like that all the time, so he was hiding it in plain sight! That is AWESOME! In case you, like Amanda, are confused about what just went AWESOMEly down, here's Chuck's explanation: Amanda had to pretend to like Dan so that Serena would get jealous, because "Jealousy is a powerful emotion," per Chuck. "I had to create a monster if I was going to dethrone a queen."

You know it's love when you start talking like an assassin. The thing Nate never understood was that he was right; that's why he could never really have Blair. That's part of what's going on with Serena: nice girls don't think that way. Except everybody thinks that way, so the only people who are fucked by the Nice Girl rule are girls who stay nice. Nobody else is following the rules. So before you recoil from what Serena's becoming, just ask yourself how good it would feel. Buffy knew: her last act was one of defiance. Activate all the Slayers at once and you start a whole new game, because if we're all "dirty" to the same degree then none of us are dirty at all. That was just a lie, a trap -- like "bitch," or "slut" -- made to keep you small. Not a fun game to play. Serena knows a better one. She just forgot for awhile. Remember.

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Gossip Girl

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