It's Yom Kippur at the Waldorf-Rose house, which means volatile blood sugar and even more party-hopping than usual. For a silly -- fun silly, not dumb silly -- plot-centered episode, it packed more emotional punch than anything this season, and introduced a lot more crazy for the weeks to come. (Plus, more smirky background Sam, which will do just fine.)
Serena, having finally finished the book, gets a fairly heartrending scene at the end of the episode where she explains that she's jealous of Blair's star treatment as the love of Dan's life. I cried a little, I'm not going to lie. Of course, this is after she makes common cause with many witches -- from boss Jane to the creature called Nikki Finke -- in order to secure the film rights to Inside. Where it gets crazy is when she goes to Blair and informs her just how well she comes off in the story. Blair blows it off, of course, but you can already see the furious wheels turning in Serena's delirious shipper mind.
Chuck and Dan are still very much in love, pissing off Nate even more than his Brothaniel issues from last week, but Dan's so tied up in the book/movie drama -- and being the neatest character on the show, yet again -- that he doesn't notice Chuck losing his mind in a fairly inventive new way: Attempting to seduce a therapist so that he can somehow Will Hunting himself into secret insights, in combo with some kind of countertransference power game. He is really getting good at being weird in ways nobody has ever been weird before. She calls him out on a bunch of bullshit, he realizes that he is very close to going actually crazy, and the therapist receives a desperate voicemail that, again I won't lie, got me pretty teary.
I used to be scared of what would happen if Chuck got fixed, but honestly watching him with Dan this season has been a good preview of what that might look like.
Ivy and Nate break into that same safe at PRADA that everybody always breaks into, and steal Bart's old surveillance folders that everybody always steals, but Nate gets a sudden case of the Humphreys and starts in on her about family loyalty. In the end, Diana can't use them anyway because they're old intel, and ends up launching her website -- in the face of a glorious smackdown from the real Gossip Girl -- with some Monegasque Beatrice goblin drama.
Oh, well, and there's the little matter of a photograph: A young Diana Payne, in Bart's own file, which she destroys with a scary look on her face. Apparently, part of this Payne vendetta has to do with Bart's past, which makes her amazing in a new confusing way. At this point the possibilities are so endless that I jumped mentally to a Jane/Diana catfight in the pool and it turns out that they are both Chuck's mom and one of them is a ghost and Jane is actually Gossip Girl and Diana is the real Jane and Brothaniel is real and he's Nate's secret twin brother that falls in love with Ivy and then Max kills him, and this season is all really the book that Serena is writing in response to Inside and at the end of the season she'll be like, "In real life Rufus died of a heart attack and I switched the boyfriends around and most of these people turned out gay" and Tom Arnold is abducted by aliens, the end.
Princess Sophie and Blair's parents take the news of her pregnancy unbelievably well, but of course wretched old Beatrice gets in there with her greasy goblin fingers and effs everything up for everybody. By the end of things Louis has told his family to get screwed for the eightieth time, and Eleanor has given her most lovely pro-Blair speech of all time, which is the third time I teared up. (I am pregnant, maybe. Maybe last week's recap was so intense that I got knocked up like any other nineteen-year-old socialite with a Hepburn problem.)
Dan makes up with Serena and Rufus, saving Blair and Nate for later, and everything is smiles and Gallic forbearance until Louis discovers the paternity results in Blair's dresser. Not sure where that's headed, because he remains committed to her and doesn't mention it, but he does contact Chuck's new therapist out of the blue, for unknown reasons, which means it's probable she is a scarf-hoarding minion of William van der Woodsen, who will eventually be giving Charlie Trout his own case of Imaginary Cancer.
In Two Weeks: Some kind of Bridezilla boot camp with apparently all of Blair's old minions, hopefully more on the Payne connection to Bart, Ivy continues to self-destruct and we figure out the deal with Chuck, Louis and everybody's new therapist. Have a great Halloween!
Diana Payne had many agendas, none of which made much sense but involve: Burt, Blair, Gossip Girl, Ivy-Chivy, Nate, Aunt Carol, stolen cell phones, the internet, print media, and possibly Jane. All of those people. Rufus got called out for his epic loserness in the halls of literature forevermore, and reacted by acting even more Rufussy than usual. Blair got to the part where Dylan and Clair had sex and then just kind of read that part over and over, and Jane Bettinger wants the movie rights. Chuck assured Serena "Everyone loves a villain," and she didn't understand what he meant because she's Serena and she was still on page twenty, just like Nate, because they both read at like a fifth grade level.* Plus this:
"Gossip Girl here, one of several sources in a swiftly crowding marketplace offering news on the lives of Manhattan's scandalous elite."
*(Actually a real plotpoint this week.)
My question is: What can Diana Payne actually offer that Gossip Girl isn't already covering? She's got them RFID tagged and offers live streaming video of them doing things like drinking coffee and exchanging pleasantries, what else could the nation want?
Blair: "I'm so looking forward to telling our parents about our bastard."
Louis: "[Something in French.]"
Jane: "Serena, have you finished that book yet?"
Serena: "That book that Louis read in two hours? Yes, after three weeks of this being my only job responsibility, I have finished it, and I am not happy."
Jane: "Remember, you're in trouble because of how we had no chance of making a film with Daniel Day-Lewis until you got us the interview, and then his manager turned us down because of a fictionalized account of your life, meaning we lost nothing because it was a zero sum."
Cyrus: "Princess Sophie!"
Sophie: "Cyrus! We like birds and smoked salmon. That's our relationship."
Cyrus: "How do you feel about Jewish stuff?"
Sophie: "I do like smoked salmon. Let's get our Yom Kippur on."
Beatrice: "I am still the worst, okay?"
Blair & Louis: "We are having a baby out of wedlock!"
Eleanor: "You're all of nineteen and not even halfway through college, so that's fine."
Princess Sophie: "Nobody in my principality is capable of doing math, so we're good."
Blair: "Against all reason, the family is overjoyed at my womanly embarrassment. Care to stay for Yom Kippur?"
Serena: "No, I have to stomp myself around town because of the contents of the only book I have ever actually read."
Blair: "It's a good thing we're both incredibly self-centered, or I would be concerned about the words you are saying out of your face."