Dan gets out of the shower wearing a fright wig that makes him look like Oleg Popov. J/K, that is his hair now.
Blair: "First of all, fix that mess. You look unbelievably idiotic. And second of all, turns out you lied to me about the summer program?"
Dan, to his credit: "Yeah, I just didn't want you to have all summer to backslide into the Empire. I'm incredibly suspicious and paranoid about women in general, but especially you, w/r/t Chuck Bass."
Blair: "It's always something with you fuckers. I'm done discussing that, it demeans us both. But look, I'm wildly wealthy. Rome is just a couple glasses of Chardonnay away."
Nice. That was a good one, Waldorf. Promising start to the episode.
Diana: "I assure you, Senator, it was a fake raid on the whorehouse and there was never any danger. Rest assured I've got your pandering needs well in hand..."
Nate: "Diana! I am here to tell you to get out of here!"
Diana: "The cutest thing is happening, I'll call you back."
Diana: "Nate, what is it this week?"
Nate: "I am going to expose you as a whoremaster! Get out of my business!"
Diana: "Okay, well, first of all I am your main financial backer. Problem one. Problem two, we've had tons of sex..."
Nate: "Don't threaten me with a good time!"
Diana: "...And thirdly, I am saying this from the bottom of my heart, please don't do this to me. I have gone through hell to make 'Diana Payne' a valid concept. I really am trying to be legit. And I have done a lot for you in that pursuit. Look, we make good friends and even better partners. Just chill out, please."
Nate: "Maybe. Maybe I just will."
VAN DER WALDORF
Blair: "Serena Goddamn van der Woodsen, have I got something to say to you!"
Serena: "Yeah, sorry. I was gonna tell you..."
Blair: "Dan Humphrey loves me too much! He turned down a Rome program out of loving me! And assuming I'll get back together with Chuck, of course."
Serena: "Can't blame him there. But yeah, Dan's trust issues and general Humphrey hatred of all women? I can speak about those subjects with fair expertise. Let's get coffee and you can tell me all about how the love of my life is ruining himself over you. That sounds awesome."
Blair: "No, you were about to tell me something else. And don't bother lying, come on."
Serena: "Okay, well, I have been Gossip Girl for the past couple months."
Blair: "No wonder she was being so nice to me. And so generally inept. How did this occur?"
Serena: "Well, Georgina gave me this lapt..."
Blair: "-- Gotcha."