Anyway, the real deal is that Jenny is now part of Olivia's diaper-shitting plan to keep Daniel away from technology so that he won't find out about the giant fucking nothing that happened. So there's much jiggery about the phone situation, and finally Olivia erases a GG blast about "Bathroom Boy" ever-so-secretly from Dan's phone, and he's safe from the lack of a problem for a few more minutes. Of course, he's still crowing about his ability to cheat stupidly at Scrabble, and about himself, and about needing a SARS mask, so he has no idea what's going on. Man, if Vanessa were there I would tongue-kiss Jenny until she gave me SARS.

Instead, Vanessa is watching her footage like a Gollum, and finally notices how the fake guy that was fake drowning is clearly a fake. She does this by doing that hilarious CSI focus where it's blurry and then blurry and then blurry and then you can suddenly see so clearly it's like an x-ray of the man and his intentions. Vanessa stares, bites the lip, wears her goddamned sweater some more, bershons to the left and to the right.

~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ has one thing going for him, which is that his face -- like many guest stars on this show -- is a lot easier to take when he's naked. Boyfriend is fit, and even wearing some snug grey boxer-briefs for the bonus. He answers the door of his Empire suite and immediately tells Serena she's looking hot. "Same," she says, in this hilarious Jessica Wakefield voice. Every scene with ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ Serena becomes twice as awesome as usual. Her expressions, her body language, the way she has no time for him and all the time in the world... It's breathtaking. And she's going to need that awesomeness, because ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ has gone off the rez.

It's the apocalypse we've been fearing since two scenes ago, when they told us exactly what was going to happen. "I just finished reading a fantastic script! A remake of Leaving Las Vegas! They want to redo it with a younger cast! It was in the garbage! Let's get Method with an ass pocket of Jack Daniels!" Also, Miley Cyrus is going to play Elisabeth Shue's role, which is funny because of the stripper pole incident but is not actually funny, because she's a hillbilly and a prematurely sexualized idiot with an obvious and ongoing history of sexual trauma, and when you give her your Cheeto-finger money or your trailer park eyeballs, she drags you down to her level and because her final destination is somewhere between Mackenzie Phillips and Britney Spears, and thus demeans us all. Anyway, S gets totally strung out and nuts about him because he's still there looking super effing fine in nothing at all and secretly slugging Jack, and finally she just drops her shoulders and stares at his back and pleads, "Put on some clothes, please."