God, this show has never been better. I'm cryin' over here. In ascending order of fabulousness:

Olivia told this pointless story on Jimmy Fallon and then gets Serena and a virus inside Jenny's body to pointlessly hide it from Dan. The story was that on their first date he came back from the bathroom with his shirt inside-out, and then... Nothing, that's the whole story. It's totally dumb. It's also the only time we see Rufus and Lily, but Rufus continues to act like an inbred golden retriever, so it's actually kind of fun. The awesome part is that Dan doesn't even have a problem with the story -- because it's totally dumb and Olivia's being paranoid again -- so the only reason he acts weird once he finds out is that he's remembered it's their one-month anniversary. Then they are cute some more.

Bonus: Hilary Duff and Chace Crawford totally rock in this episode, as does the hot fucking art in the Empire Hotel, which deserves its own webisode.

So Vanessa's been documenting Tripp's congressional campaign, which means she's on hand when a dude falls in the Hudson and Tripp saves his life. I think there's something magical about the Hudson, because Tripp spends the rest of the episode being smoking hot. When reviewing the footage, Vanessa sees the guy totally jump in the river, and assumes naturally that Grandfather is responsible. Nate tells her to sit on it, then sets her up with a fake news producer in an attempt to quash, which of course violates Vanessa's entire being.

Eventually Nate and Tripp confront Grandfather, who claims he's not to blame. At the party -- held at the Empire -- Nate takes the podium and claims he was the mastermind, clearing Tripp's name and winning him the campaign... But it's only after the party's over that Grandfather learns the true culprit: Maureen, Tripp's wife (we met her last year, she warned Vanessa not to marry into the van der Bilts), whose entire goal is to get Grandfather out of their lives forever.

But OMG Blair and Serena. S goes over Nate's head to get her and ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ invites to the party, because she's friends with Tripp. B, meanwhile, tries to prove that she doesn't need Serena by making friends with hot blonde fashionista Brandeis and taking her to the party. Things escalate, of course, and eventually Blair has ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ thrown out, which leads to him telling S that Brandeis is actually a high-class hooker, which is why she's so cool. S tries to warn Blair, then has Brandeis escorted out, so Blair calls S a whore and S shoves B's face into a cake.

Chuck takes Serena aside and tells her to grow up because B is almost done being insane, and Serena agrees that their friendship is not that big a deal. Also, she kind of feels like a whore because ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ smells like pee and she's dating him for money. It's too bad that she has to break up with him, because he's a lot cooler when he's naked. So she quits working for KC and tries to make up, but B acts insane some more, and then Brandeis admits that she's a hooker, and only used B to find new politico clients. B, fearing she went too far with Serena, can't apologize, so she once again crawls into bed with Chuck and pretends the world doesn't exist. But S, still stinging from both Chuck and Blair calling her out on being fake and sort of irrelevant, decides to confide in the only friend she's got left: Tripp van der Bilt, whose eyes now appear to have stars in them.

Next week: The big threesome, about which I have a few ideas, even though it'll probably = Maureen + Tripp + Brandeis, or like Bex + Alison Humphrey + Lord Marcus, or something like that. Georgina, Asher and Jonathan! That would rule. Serena's been there already, and Jenny's got Cotillion to worry about, and I can't see anything coming into Blair's relationship with Chuck, so... Sigh. I guess Chuck/Blair/Nate is still a season or so away...

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