Gossip Girl

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Truth Even Unto Its Innermost Parts
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

While "I Could Rob You" by the upcoming Plastiscines [sic] plays (their lead singer looks like the unholy love child of Serena and Jenny), we see Serena in the Bleecker proudly gazing down at a headline calling her ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~'s It Girl as GG explains her very complex semiotic situation for this episode, which is how political parties and the fun kind of parties are similar. Which they are not.

"I can rob you if I want to/ I can rob you if I try/ I can rob you if I need to," goes the song, as we see Dan and Olivia safely in bed, levitating nowhere; Chuck getting everything together for the Empire's first major political function; Nate arriving as some kind of teenage aide-de-camp for Tripp; and Blair walking up behind him like they've never met before she gets bitchy with some poor bellhop, snapping her fingers in front of his face when he doesn't hop to quickly enough. So, once again, Chuck is the only sane person.

Apparently ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ has received not just an offer, but a great one: A Michael Mann political thriller. (Here's hoping it's more like the Aviator, Insider, Mohicans Mann, and less like -- let's say -- the Mann of Hancock and Miami Vice, although I must admit I never saw Hancock or Miami Vice and they may well be awesome.) KC's stomping about her office with those neon pink gerbera bud vases everywhere, and they talk about how it's down to ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ and Ryan Phillippe. Serena points out the salient point that Sebastian V lost his mojo right around the time Reese left him for Jake, and KC hilariously goes, "Don't 'Jake" me, Serena! This is serious!"

So the thing is that Serena now has to get herself and ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ invited to the Tripp election party that night, so he can learn to act like a politico. Which will be hard, because Nate finally located his nuts or they finally dropped or he had them shipped from overseas or wherever his junk has been for the last eighteen years. Maybe Bree found them in Tejas and brought them here. Anyway, KC is not interested in once again hearing about Serena's interpersonal UES bullshit, and informs her to suck it up. What's PR Rule #1? "My only value is my social network."

(You know, my favorite line in any song -- besides that "Something Happened On The Way To Heaven" line I'm always quoting -- comes from Sheena Easton's song "Strut," which is basically about Serena's life. You might be forgiven for assuming that because it sounds kind of crappy and Prince-lite (which is what it is), but it's awesome: The whole song is the internal monologue of a fashion model who is way smarter than not only her photographer but the entire Male Gaze, and the greatest line of all music comes about halfway through: "All this fascination with leather and lace/ Is just smoke from another fire." If you take everything I've ever written about teenage girls and gay kids in these recaps and put it in a single document, you'd probably break your computer, but really it just comes down to that: "All this fascination with leather and lace is just smoke from another fire." Be the Blonde or don't, be a hooker or don't, complain about being a five-foot mirror for the door in every ladykiller, but either way you're really just carrying somebody else's bullshit on your back. It's not actually about you, because you're just smoke.)

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Gossip Girl

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