Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Truth Even Unto Its Innermost Parts

"The only prostitute here is you," Blair says, with that gleeful/terrified look she used to get all the time in Season One, where she can't even believe how dreadful she's being, and S just stares at her. "Come on, Chuck," B lies, "I want some cake." So then Serena follows behind her, and quicker than a blink shoves her face hard into said cake. And it's amazingly edited, because no matter how many times you rewind and watch it, there's still something shocking and delicious about it. Well well well. So GG is like, "Oh hell," and B's little tongue peeks out and tastes the icing, and that's how you know she's going to be crazier than this before she chills out.

Then there's Leighton's depressing talk-singing song and rolling around in a limo looking dumb. She's so amazing and her voice is so great -- why not actually just sing? That sucks, I was looking forward to her album because all the other songs I've heard ("Birthday" by the adorable/wonderful Awesome New Republic, her fantastic cover of "Bette Davis Eyes") were really exciting. But ugh. So after that, Tripp's heading up to the podium to drop out of the race, and once again Nate fools everybody into forgetting he's a child by taking the stage manfully and giving the following all-time ridiculous speech as Maureen sucks on lemons and William sucks on his legacy and Vanessa films, and sucks generally:

"Excuse me, hi. My name is Nate Archibald. I'm Tripp van der Bilt's cousin. And I know there's a lot of buzz going around about what exactly happened this morning at the Hudson River. And it saddens me to tell you all that the story about it being a hoax... It is true. However, my cousin Tripp van der Bilt had no knowledge of any kind of setup. My cousin is not only the most moral, honest and courageous guy I know... He's still a hero. And how do I know this? [YOU ARE A TEENAGER, DRAMA QUEEN!] Because I'm the one who set it up!" William stares, Nate almost starts crying right there, and it's fantastic.

Chuck, resplendent in his good-boy hair as ever, joins S in a DMZ and asks her WTF is going on, and she says she's thirsty, but he grabs her and shakes his head and invites her once again into Grownup Club. "She called me a prostitute! I'm not sleeping with Patrick! You of all people know what a prostitute does!" Chuck explains that B is acting out, once again, because she misses S terribly -- that the whole prostitute and ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ thing is just obvious smoke from an emotionally illiterate fire -- and that this is all obvious and S should rise above for like one second. But thanks to Poppy Lifton, Serena has realized that constantly catering to Blair's insecurities is a great way to keep her nuts, and she will no longer be "reading Waldorf subtext." Chuck says that whether or not it's "time for Blair to grow up," as Serena suggests, it's S that just shoved her best friend into a cake in public.

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Gossip Girl




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