Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Truth Even Unto Its Innermost Parts

Anyway, Serena's Gladwell Connecter worth, her network, is currently working a net loss in Archibalds. KC could not care less, as she stomps around grunting at her various hottie interns and assistants. Meanwhile, Olivia wakes up and Dan's staring creepily down at her, and because we are lucky and will never be spared naked Dan, he's shirtless and she is totally clothed. They talk about how Vanessa's documenting the Tripp campaign and thus is never around the dorm room, so they can levitate and fangbang as much as they want. Then Dan brings up Olivia's appearance on Jimmy Fallon, and not for the first time, and Olivia's eye-rolling and sighs tells us that she's been keeping it from him on purpose. It's too bad Duff is finally doing a kick-ass job acting this role right as she steps into her stupidest episode. Anyway, she bluffs him out and then in the hallway some dude calls him "Bathroom Boy," and Dan is confused.

Chuck, in an adorable velvet necktie and excellent grey suit, leads Nate through his new digs, the Empire suite that he and Blair will now be living in. He throws around a lot of verbiage about the media system, which is not only "interactive" but has gaming and is magic, and mentions that naughty Blair's favorite part is the "realtime surveillance playback" in the room. Of course it is. And of course that's an anvil for some storyline down the road, so pay attention. Nate pats Chuck's lapel and complains about the relative starkness of the Columbia dorms, because by the way he's in college, and Chuck is like, "Everything in the real world is better than the Columbia dorms. Particularly penthouses. You douche." But on the other hand, there are two bedrooms, so Nate can "feel free to crash any time." Guess Blair won't mind taking the spare.

Vanessa is getting some breathtaking footage of Tripp and his fiancée (wife?) Maureen walking out of one room and into another room: "All this behind-the-scenes stuff is really great!" NYC Politicos: They use doors like the rest of us. Grandfather William tells Chuck that he's outdone himself, and there is much glad-handing on both sides as we learn that the big party will take place in the Empire ballroom. Tripp's equanimity -- and ambivalence about being William's Congressman Ken doll -- are obvious as usual: "Even if the night ends in defeat, at least we'll have a good party!"

Maureen pinches Tripp's tender skin between two long claws until he screams, reminding him that we don't talk like that in her patented Cheated-Out Soap Acting technique where she stares ninety degrees in the opposite direction of whomever she's talking to, which makes her look impaired but mostly gives her the air of a pretty girl with a winning smile who is either much hated by her director, or can't act for shit, or probably both.

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Gossip Girl




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