Gossip Girl
The Handmaiden's Tale

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | Grade It Now!
V For Vendetta

Edward Abbott tells some story that's too boring to talk about, but he does namedrop never summering in Newport again, which is funny. Dan tries to get in there, and Serena's very pissy that she doesn't need rescuing from her horrible talkative toolish date, and they get all angsty with each other. Meanwhile, Kati and Isabel finally show up and beat Nate about the head and shoulders with how Serena has the final clue, so thanks for ruining the whole game, and go fuck your girlfriend already. It's so sad how she planned this baroque, weird, triumphant thing, with rhyming clues and masks and secret handmaidens and everything, and he spent the whole time staring through a pot fog at Serena van der Woodsen, but that's Blair's whole life. Her fault for hoping. Meanwhile, Vanessa is still alive out there somewhere. Is that justice? The only thing Nate seems to process from the Kati/Isabel onslaught is the name "Serena," and stumbles off, so...here we go.

Chuck sneaks up on J all, "Boo..." But she's got an awesome plan in mind. Kind of the opposite of Blair's game with Nate: hide and seek, with Chuck leaving a trail of clothes up to the roof. I may not really enjoy looking at his face from certain angles, but I'm not going to say that this game has only bad points. I can see the potential here. Jenny is totally grossed out, and he gays the hell out of his jacket and drops it, and then prances out a side door. She just takes a deep breath and decides to actually go through with her awesome plan.

Elsewhere, somebody has the nerve to say hello to Vanessa, actually has the audacity to be friendly toward her, so she barfs and puts her mask on and stomps around in boots made for kicking and writes a fucking poem about it.

"What are you really doing here, Dan?" S asks, because the last time they talked, he was being a gigantic liar. "What am I doing here? I ran across the city. I rented a tuxedo. I stole this mask from some drunken kid only to look like Robin... I conned my way in here, all to see you. I care." Like when he told the lying lie? He lies about the lie, then truths about the lie, then lies that he can explain, then truths about Vanessa, then lies about lying and saying it was Jenny, then truths that the relationship is complicated with Vanessa. "Or it was, before I met you. And honestly, I didn't want anything to get in the way of you inviting me to this...stupid party." Aww. She admits, sadly, that she really was going to ask him, and he's overjoyed. They agree that they're not really into their pseudo-dates, and he takes off his mask and kisses her. "Oh, yes, the other part we love about a masquerade? When the mask finally comes off and the truth is revealed to all." Yeah, Gossip Girl. I really didn't see that one coming. And just off to the side, similarly blindsided? Vanessa Abrams. Looking even more upset and grossed out than she did earlier, when she barged uninvited into a party and then was rude to everyone there.

Dan's like, "Hold that thought, I have to go get railed and bitched at by Vanessa, who shoehorned me into an impossible position and was incredibly pushy, and now is angry that I didn't immediately clear my schedule for her rude ass." Serena is cool with that. He asks what the hell Vanessa's doing there, and she's all, "I'm writing an American History paper... Oh, wait. That was supposed to be you." Snotty beast. "When did we start lying to each other?" Um, right around the time you got aggressive and weird? You out-Danned Dan. The King Of All Danship got Dan'd, and he didn't know how to get out from under it. We know how you feel. After a babbling dry run at explanation, he explains: "...What was I going to say? That I was renting a tuxedo to attend a masked ball without a mask, or an invitation, to go get a girl who not only has a mask and an invitation, but another date?" Actually, that's exactly what you should have said. Vanessa would understand that. Vanessa would be like, "Why didn't you just break into her house?"

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